Increasing Co-operation & Harmony
As Esther Perel describes in her book Mating in Captivity, love and desire often pull in opposite directions. Love seeks closeness, while desire needs distance and mystery. In long-term relationships, especially when raising children, partners can become defined by caregiving, routine, and predictability. This maternal or paternal closeness, though nurturing, can slowly dull erotic energy. To rekindle attraction, couples must rediscover individuality and curiosity. Desire flourishes when we see our partner as separate and alive. Intimacy connects us, but imagination and space keep the fire burning.
In long-term relationships, couples often come to therapy wondering why love and desire, once inseparable, now feel at odds. They still care deeply for each other, but the spark has faded. As Esther Perel insightfully explores in Mating in Captivity, the very elements that make us feel safe and secure in love, such as closeness, predictability, and routine, are the same forces that can dull erotic desire.
Perel believes that love seeks to close the distance between partners, while desire requires space to emerge. When couples become enmeshed, sharing everything, doing everything together, knowing each other completely, the mystery that fuels attraction evaporates. Desire thrives not in total fusion, but in the presence of separateness, curiosity, and the unknown.
This highlights a unique challenge for couples raising children. The caregiving roles that strengthen family bonds can inadvertently desexualize a relationship. When one partner becomes primarily associated with nurturing, responsibility, and maternal energy, the other may unconsciously struggle to see them as an erotic being. The caregiving identity, while deeply loving, can overshadow the erotic one. In therapy, we often explore how partners can consciously shift between these roles, of parent and lover, so that intimacy remains emotionally safe yet erotically alive.
Consider a hypothetical couple, Alex and Jordan. After years together and two young children, they describe their relationship as “comfortable but flat.” Their days revolve around routines, childcare, and domestic logistics. In counselling, they begin exploring how to reintroduce individuality and playfulness into their relationship. Alex joins a photography group, while Jordan takes a dance class with friends. They also begin setting aside time intentionally as lovers, not just co-parents. They make time for conversations about themselves as well as their roles as parents. As they nurture separate parts of themselves, they start to see each other anew, Alex admires Jordan’s confidence, and Jordan feels drawn to Alex’s creative energy.
Maintaining attraction in marriage is less about doing more together and more about learning to see each other again. Intimacy grows through connection; desire grows through partners nurturing their curiosity of themselves and or each other. When couples learn to hold both, the safety of love and the mystery of individuality, they rediscover the erotic energy that once brought them together.
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