Loving from Above or Below: How Equality Strengthens Your Marriage

In couples therapy, one theme we often explore is how power dynamics can shape a relationship. Inspired by Terrence Real’s work, many couples struggle when love is expressed from a position of “above” or “below.” Understanding this, alongside Adlerian concepts of vertical and horizontal relationships, can help couples create more balanced, fulfilling partnerships.

What Does It Mean to Love from Above or Below?

Terrence Real describes two common patterns in relationships:

●       Loving from above: One partner assumes control, feels superior, or tries to “lead” in a way that diminishes the other’s voice.

●       Loving from below: One partner becomes overly accommodating, passive, or submissive, often sacrificing their own needs to maintain harmony.

When love is expressed through either of these positions, it can unintentionally create distance, resentment, or frustration. Both partners may feel unseen or undervalued, even when intentions are good.

Adlerian Psychology: Vertical vs. Horizontal Relationships

Alfred Adler’s framework offers insight into why these patterns emerge.

●       Vertical relationships: Hierarchical and unequal, where one partner holds authority and the other defers.

●       Horizontal relationships: Egalitarian and balanced, where both partners share responsibility, decision-making, and accountability.

In marriages, vertical patterns can subtly erode connection. One partner may feel burdened by responsibility, while the other feels overshadowed, underappreciated or unheard. Horizontal relationships, in contrast, promote collaboration, respect, and intimacy.

Why Vertical Patterns Can Harm Marriages

Vertical dynamics often develop unconsciously. Past experiences, family upbringing, or social expectations can influence how partners show up. While not inherently “wrong,” these patterns can:

●       Reduce emotional safety and trust

●       Increase frustration and misunderstandings

●       Limit authentic expression of needs and desires

●       Make conflict resolution more challenging

●       Affect mutual trust and affection when partners create a parent-child like relationship with each other

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healthier connection.

Moving Toward Horizontal Love

Terrence Real encourages couples to cultivate “relational competence”: the ability to love as equals while maintaining individual boundaries. Key steps include:

●       Awareness: Notice when hierarchical patterns appear in your relationship.

●       Open Communication: Discuss dynamics without blame, curiosity over judgment.

●       Shared Responsibility: Collaborate on decisions and problem-solving.

●       Mutual Respect: Honor both partners’ needs, emotions, and perspectives.

Shifting from vertical to horizontal dynamics allows couples to experience connection as a shared journey rather than a transactional exchange.

Building a Marriage Based on Equality

Couples who embrace horizontal relationships often report deeper empathy, stronger trust, and a renewed sense of partnership. Neither partner feels “above” or “below,” and both are fully seen, heard, and valued.

At Koira Psychology on the Gold Coast, we support couples in exploring these patterns and learning to connect in ways that are respectful, balanced, and emotionally fulfilling. Love thrives when it is mutual, conscious, and shared equally.