Love as a Practice: A Couples Therapist’s take on Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving

As a couple’s therapist, I often meet partners who come into my office with the same question, though they phrase it in different ways: “Why does love feel so hard?” or “Why can’t we just go back to how it used to be?” These questions reflect a common misconception that love is something that simply happens to us, a magical feeling that either exists or doesn’t. But what if love isn’t a feeling at all, but a skill?

That’s the premise of Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving. First published in 1956, Fromm’s book remains one of the most profound psychological and philosophical explorations of love. And in my work with couples, it’s one of the most useful.

Love is a Skill, not a State

Fromm’s central understanding is that love is not merely a passive emotion, but an art; something that requires knowledge, effort, and practice. Just as one would not expect to play the violin or paint a masterpiece without study and discipline, Fromm argues that we cannot expect to love well without first learning how.

In therapy, I often see couples who believe that if they have to “work” at their relationship, something must be wrong. Fromm flips that idea on its head. He writes, “Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a ‘standing in,’ not a ‘falling for.’” This shift in mindset from love as a noun to love as a verb can be transformative.

Mature Love: Standing Together Without Losing the Self

Another of Fromm’s contributions to relationship therapy is his distinction between immature and mature love. Immature love says, “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says, “I need you because I love you.” In other words, mature love is rooted in freedom of the choice to love, not dependency.

In couples therapy, I often help partners untangle the difference between connection and enmeshment. Fromm’s vision of love is one where each partner maintains their individuality while choosing to unite. This is not always easy, especially in a culture that romanticises merging with another person. But it’s essential for long-term intimacy.

Love Requires Discipline, Patience, and Faith

Fromm outlines four essential elements of the art of loving: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. These aren’t just feelings, they are actions. They require discipline, patience, and faith. Not faith in a religious sense, but faith in the process of love itself.

When couples struggle, it’s often because they’ve stopped practicing these elements. They may still “feel” love, but they’ve stopped showing it. Fromm reminds us that love is not a constant state of bliss but a deliberate daily practice. And like any practice, it has its highs and lows.

Applying Fromm’s Wisdom in Therapy

Here are some of the ways I integrate Fromm’s ideas into my work with couples:

●       Reframing conflict: Instead of seeing arguments as signs of incompatibility, I help couples view them as opportunities to practice perspective-taking,  care and respect.

●       Building emotional literacy: Fromm emphasises the importance of knowledge, not just of the other, but of the self. I guide partners in understanding their own emotional patterns and triggers.

●       Encouraging intentionality: Love doesn’t thrive on autopilot. I encourage couples to create rituals of connection, through daily check-ins, gratitude practices, or shared goals, that keep love active.

Love as a Lifelong Art

Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving is not a how-to manual for romance. It’s a philosophical invitation to take love seriously, not as a fleeting emotion, but as a lifelong discipline. For couples willing to embrace this mindset, the rewards are profound: deeper intimacy, greater resilience, and a love that grows not by chance, but by choice.

If you’re in a relationship and wondering how to make it stronger, I invite you to stop asking, “Do we still love each other?” and start asking, “How are we practicing love today?”