Why We Make Excuses, Doubt Ourselves, and Get Jealous in Marriage

In a couples session, I often draw on the work of Adlerian Therapist Rudolf Dreikurs to help partners understand why certain emotional patterns keep repeating in their relationship. In The Challenge of Marriage, Dreikurs explains that behaviours such as making excuses, self-doubt, and jealousy are not random flaws. They are purposeful responses to discouragement, rooted in our need for belonging, equality, and emotional safety.

When couples begin to understand the purpose behind these behaviours, change becomes far more possible.

Excuses: Protecting Ourselves from Feeling “Not Enough”

Dreikurs viewed excuses as a way of protecting our sense of worth. When we fall short, forget something, or overreact, excuses often arise automatically—not to deceive, but to shield us from the painful feeling of inadequacy.

Beneath many excuses is a quiet question:
“If you see my mistake clearly, will you still value me?”

This fear, covered up by denial and excuses, often prompts us to ‘hide’ part of ourselves to be seen as less flawed.

Over time, however, repeated explanations can create distance and erode trust.  A partner may feel dismissed and deceived, rather than feeling respected and appreciated.

A healthier alternative is simple responsibility without self-attack:
“Yes, I do hide myself and make excuses. This time I have messed up. I’ll work on it.”
This builds trust instead of defensiveness.

Self-Doubt: The Hidden Driver of Conflict

Dreikurs believed self-doubt is one of the most powerful unseen forces in marriage. When we doubt our worth, we may misread neutral comments as criticism, become overly sensitive, react defensively, withdraw, or assume the worst.

At its core, self-doubt is discouragement—the belief that we are not capable or lovable enough. When discouragement grows, even small moments can feel personal and threatening.

What helps most is a culture of encouragement. Warmth, reassurance, and emotional attunement reduce self-doubt and allow couples to communicate more clearly.

Jealousy: Insecurity Seeking Reassurance

Dreikurs understood jealousy as purposeful rather than pathological. Jealousy often arises when we feel uncertain about our importance in the relationship and are seeking reassurance and security through unhelpful solutions to restore our self worth.

As Dreikurs observed, jealousy grows out of self-doubt—and then reinforces it, creating a painful loop. The more inadequate we feel, the more unhelpful manipulation we may use to engineer safety and security, the more provocative or suspicious we may become.

He also noted that jealousy looks different depending on personal insecurity. For some, it appears as fear of comparison or replacement; for others, it is tied to doubts about masculinity, femininity, or desirability. In each case, jealousy is driven and maintained by the partner’s unhelpful solutions and by the individual’s inner doubt and uncertainty.

When Jealousy Turns into a Weapon

Jealousy often begins as discouragement but can quickly become a justification for behaviours—accusations, hostility, emotional policing—that undermine the very connection the jealous partner seeks to protect.

At its healthiest, jealousy is an attempt to reconnect. At its most damaging, it transforms insecurity into aggression, violence, and destructive rage .

A more constructive approach is naming the underlying feeling directly:
“I’m feeling insecure and could use reassurance.”
This admission opens the door for reflecting on one’s vulnerability which can lead to closeness rather than conflict.

How These Patterns Are Connected

Dreikurs believed excuses, self-doubt, and jealousy all arise from discouragement. When discouraged, we may protect ourselves with excuses, retreat into self-doubt, or seek reassurance through jealousy.

These patterns are not signs of weakness—they are signals of emotional strain, unmet relational needs, and fears of rejection and abandonment at its core.

The Path Forward: Encouragement, Equality, and Honest Dialogue

Dreikurs emphasised three foundations for healthier relationships:

• Encouragement – communicating “You matter, you’re capable, and we’re equals.”

• Equality – reducing willpower struggles, comparison, and insecure behavioural patterns.

• Simple, blame-free communication – being able to say “I made a mistake,” “I feel unsure,” or “I need closeness.”

Final Thoughts

Dreikurs believed marriages struggle not because people are broken, but because they become discouraged and don’t know how to address their fears and reconnect.

When couples understand the purpose behind their behaviours, transformation becomes possible. Excuses soften into honesty. Self-doubt gives way to confidence. Jealousy becomes vulnerability. And the relationship becomes a place where both partners feel secure, valued, and emotionally equal.