In close relationships, conflict often escalates not because of what happened, but because of the meaning we attach to it. Observing without evaluating is a practice taught by Marshall Rosenberg, who helps couples describe concrete behaviours without criticism or blame.

"In a successful marriage, there is no such thing as one's way. There is only the way of both, only the bumpy, dusty, difficult, but always mutual path"

Phyllis McGinley

At Koira Psychology on the Gold Coast, we help couples understand how conflict is often co-created. Arguments rarely stem from one partner alone; instead, predictable patterns emerge when both partners respond to emotional pain with anger, withdrawal, or control. By recognising these cycles and taking responsibility without blame, couples can reshape interactions, improve communication, and build a relationship that is safe, connected, and emotionally balanced.

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side. ” - Zig Ziglar

As a couple’s therapist at Koira Psychology, I often work with couples struggling to accept a partner’s past. The pain is rarely about history alone, but about the loss of an idealised version of love. Couples therapy helps partners move beyond fantasy toward understanding, emotional safety, and a deeper, more resilient connection grounded in acceptance and shared truth.

From a couple’s therapy perspective, drawing on the work of Adlerian therapist Rudolf Dreikurs, excuses, self-doubt, and jealousy in marriage are not flaws but responses to discouragement. These patterns emerge when partners fear not being enough or losing their sense of importance. When couples learn to recognise the insecurity beneath these behaviours, they can move toward encouragement, emotional equality, and deeper, more secure connection.

In long-term relationships, especially when raising children, partners can become defined by caregiving, routine, and predictability. This maternal or paternal closeness, though nurturing, can slowly dull erotic energy. To rekindle attraction, couples must rediscover individuality and curiosity. Desire flourishes when we see our partner as separate and alive. Intimacy connects us, but imagination and space keep the fire burning.

In therapy, we often see couples struggling with the idea that love should be effortless. But Erich Fromm’s book The Art of Loving teaches us that love is not just a feeling, it’s a skill we must learn and practice.

If you and your partner are feeling disconnected, stuck, or unsure how to move forward, couples therapy can help you slow things down and reconnect in a meaningful way.

Many couples unknowingly become trapped in the ‘drama triangle’, shifting between the roles of rescuer, perpetrator, and victim. Each role reinforces the other, creating cycles of blame, defensiveness, and disconnection.

In the context of couples counselling, a recurring dynamic is the confusion of love with responsibility. When partners merge their emotional and practical obligations, the relationship often suffers from enmeshment, replacing authentic connection with a structure driven by anxiety and control.

As a couples therapist, one of the most common and subtle forms of relationship dysfunction I encounter is enmeshment. It is often mistaken for closeness or deep family loyalty, but Dr. Patricia Love, through her work on families and relationships has clearly illuminated the difference between enmeshment and healthy family belonging.

Conflict happens, but repair is the key to lasting love. As a relationship psychologist, I recommend Jane Hurley's Feedback Wheel to heal disconnection.

Adlerian therapist Rudolf Dreikurs taught that marriage isn't a battle for control, but a cooperative effort between equals.