Maintaining Intimacy and Attraction in Marriage: The Paradox of Desire

As Esther Perel describes in her book Mating in Captivity, love and desire often pull in opposite directions. Love seeks closeness, while desire needs distance and mystery. In long-term relationships, especially when raising children, partners can become defined by caregiving, routine, and predictability. This maternal or paternal closeness, though nurturing, can slowly dull erotic energy. To rekindle attraction, couples must rediscover individuality and curiosity. Desire flourishes when we see our partner as separate and alive. Intimacy connects us, but imagination and space keep the fire burning.

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