Writings on Relationships and Connection
The Relationship Space
Rebuilding After the Storm: Navigating Infidelity in Marriage
As a couples therapist, few challenges bring more pain and confusion into my therapy room than infidelity. The word itself conjures images of shattered trust and broken promises. Yet, in the midst of this deeply personal crisis, there's often a path toward healing and, surprisingly for some, even a stronger, more authentic marriage.
Infidelity is more than just a physical act; it's a profound betrayal that rocks the very foundation of a relationship. It's a rupture in the unspoken contract of exclusivity, a violation of the safe space a couple has carefully built. The immediate aftermath is often characterised by intense emotions: shock, anger, disgust, grief, confusion, and overwhelming hurt for the betrayed partner, and often guilt, shame, and fear for the partner who strayed.
Many couples I see assume that infidelity is the death knell for their marriage. While it certainly presents a monumental challenge, it doesn't always have to be the end. In fact, for some, it becomes a painful catalyst for a deeper understanding of themselves, their partner, and the underlying dynamics that may have been quietly eroding their marriage.
The Roots of Betrayal: Beyond the Obvious
It’s tempting to oversimplify the causes of infidelity, blaming it solely on a lack of moral character or a sudden lapse in judgment. However, the reality is far more complex. While individual choices are always a factor, infidelity frequently emerges from a combination of unmet needs, unspoken resentments, emotion dysregulation, and a breakdown in communication.
Sometimes, the affair is a symptom of a deeper problem within the relationship. Perhaps one or both partners felt unheard, unappreciated, or emotionally distant. They might have been grappling with individual struggles, such as a mid-life crisis, depression, or unprocessed trauma in their past, that made them vulnerable to seeking comfort or validation elsewhere. It's crucial to understand that identifying these underlying issues is not about excusing the act of infidelity, but about understanding the fertile ground in which it grew.
The Road to Repair: Acknowledging, Understanding, Rebuilding Your Marriage
Healing from infidelity is a journey, not a destination, and it requires immense courage and commitment from both partners. Here are some of the ways that therapy can help facilitate this difficult, yet ultimately rewarding, process:
Creating a Safe Space for Expression
The immediate aftermath of discovery is often volatile. In therapy, I provide a neutral and safe environment where both partners can express their raw emotions without judgment or interruption. For the betrayed partner, this means giving voice to their pain, anger, and feelings of betrayal. For the unfaithful partner, it means taking full responsibility, expressing genuine remorse, and answering difficult questions with honesty and transparency. This initial period focuses on processing the immediate emotional fallout and laying the groundwork for honest dialogue.
Understanding the "Why"
Once the initial emotional storm begins to subside, we delve into the complex question of "why." This is not about assigning blame, but about understanding the vulnerabilities and unmet needs within the relationship that may have contributed to the affair. We explore individual histories, attachment styles, and patterns of communication. What was missing? What conversations weren't happening? This exploration can be uncomfortable, but it's essential for meaningful change. The goal is learn and not repeat our mistakes.
Rebuilding Trust: A Brick-by-Brick Process
Trust, once shattered, cannot be instantly restored. It's a painstaking, brick-by-brick process that requires consistent effort and transparency from the unfaithful partner.
Building trust often involves:
Full Disclosure: Answering questions honestly and completely, even when it's painful.
Transparency: Being open about whereabouts, communications, and activities.
Consistent Reliability: Following through on promises and demonstrating commitment to the relationship.
Patience and Empathy: Understanding that the betrayed partner will likely experience fluctuating emotions and doubts for an extended period.
Improving Communication
A critical component of healing is developing healthier communication patterns. Typically, infidelity occurs in marriages where partners have struggled to express their needs, desires, or concerns directly. Couples therapy teaches couples how to listen actively, express themselves assertively, and engage in constructive conflict resolution. This involves moving beyond accusations and defensiveness to truly hear and understand each other's perspectives.
Forgiveness (Eventually, and if desired)
Forgiveness is a deeply personal and often misunderstood concept. It doesn't mean condoning the actions of the unfaithful partner, nor does it mean forgetting the pain. Instead, it's about releasing the grip of hatred and resentment, allowing the betrayed partner to move forward from the pain. This can take a considerable amount of time and may not be a goal for all couples. The primary goal is healing the individual and the marriage, whether or not full forgiveness is achieved.
A New Chapter for your Marriage
While the pain of infidelity is undeniable, it does not have to be the end of a marriage. For many couples, with hard work, honest self-reflection, and the guidance of a couples therapist, it can become a profound opportunity for growth. Couples counselling can help you to confront uncomfortable truths, rebuild communication from the ground up, and ultimately, decide whether you are willing to fight for a new, stronger foundation built on renewed trust and a deeper understanding of each other. The journey is arduous, but the possibility of a more resilient and authentic relationship on the other side is the ultimate goal.
From Conflict to Connection: The Adlerian Path to Healthy Communication in Marriage
As a couples therapist, I fundamentally believe that the health of any relationship, especially a marriage, hinges on effective communication. Yet, what often brings couples into my office is not a lack of love, but a breakdown in the way they express that love and, more importantly, their frustrations.
Drawing from the principles of Adlerian therapy, as developed by Alfred Adler and refined by Rudolf Dreikurs, I view these communication struggles through the lens of social interest, mistaken goals, and the human need for belonging. Adlerian psychology suggests that all human behavior is purposeful, aimed at achieving significance and belonging within our social groups, starting with the family and the spousal relationship.
Understanding the Adlerian View of Relationship Conflict
In Adlerian theory, poor communication often stems from what Dreikurs termed "mistaken goals" or "misguided goals." When a partner feels discouraged or fears they do not belong, they may resort to four patterns of misbehavior, which manifest as damaging communication styles in a marriage:
Seeking Undue Attention: A partner constantly demands time, approval, or validation, often through excessive talking, nagging, or dramatic arguments. They are communicating: "I only count when you pay attention to me."
Seeking Power: Arguments become battles for control and dominance. The goal isn't resolution, but winning. They are communicating: "You can't make me do what you want."
Seeking Revenge: Feeling deeply hurt or unfairly treated, the partner attempts to hurt back. Communication is sharp, critical, and aimed at inflicting pain. They are communicating: "I am hurt, so I will hurt you."
Displaying Inadequacy: The partner withdraws, becoming passive or helpless, avoiding all meaningful communication and conflict. They are communicating: "Don't expect anything from me."
When couples engage in these cycles, trust erodes, and genuine connection and co-operation becomes impossible. Our work in couples counselling is to help partners identify the purpose of their hurtful behavior and redirect it toward constructive interaction.
Key Communication Skills for an Adlerian Marriage
The goal of Adlerian counselling is to increase social interest, the ability to look beyond self and contribute positively to the relationship and the broader community. This requires a shift from self-protection and control to cooperation and mutual respect.
Mutual Respect and "Catching" the Mistaken Goal
Before you can change the cycle, you must understand it. I encourage couples to become "detectives" of their own interactions.
Equal Standing: Adler emphasised that a strong relationship must be a horizontal one, meaning both partners have equal value and responsibility. When one partner is condescending or dismissive, it violates this equality and triggers a mistaken goal response from the other.
"Catching" the Goal: When you feel angry, defensive, or hurt by your partner's communication, pause and ask yourself: "What is my partner trying to accomplish with this behavior?" (Are they trying to get attention? Win a power struggle?). Recognizing the underlying goal allows you to respond to the need (for belonging), rather than the negative behavior (the fight).
The Power of Encouragement
Dreikurs taught that both children and adults need encouragement like a plant needs water. In a marriage, encouragement replaces criticism and blame.
Focus on Contribution: Instead of focusing on faults, acknowledge and appreciate your partner's efforts and contributions to the relationship and family. Use specific statements like: "I really appreciated you making the time for our walk today; it made me feel connected," instead of vague praise.
Courage to be Imperfect: Communication should create an environment where both partners feel safe enough to be imperfect. When a mistake is made, encourage the effort, and focus on collaborative problem-solving rather than fault-finding.
Joint Decision-Making and Logical Consequences
Effective communication is ultimately about collaboration, not coercion.
Democratic Process: Couples must learn to make decisions together, often through a family or couple meeting where concerns are raised respectfully and solutions are brainstormed as a team. This builds trust because both partners know their voice is heard.
Logical Consequences: Instead of punishment or yelling (which fuels power struggles), partners learn to discuss the natural, logical consequences of their actions. For example, the logical consequence of avoiding bill-paying (communication of inadequacy) is late fees, which the couple addresses jointly, rather than one partner scolding the other.
Rebuilding Trust Through Consistent Communication
Rebuilding trust after a major relational event or even years of poor communication is achieved through consistent, daily demonstrations of mutual respect and social interest. When couples learn to speak to each other from a place of respect and genuine concern for the other's well-being, the power struggles cease.
In relationship counselling, we focus on transforming destructive cycles into constructive ones, ensuring that every interaction, even conflict, reinforces the fundamental truth that both partners matter, belong, and are capable of working together for a happier marriage. This shift from discouragement to encouragement is the cornerstone of healing and lasting relational success.
Rudolf Dreikurs: Democracy, Encouragement, and the Shared Tasks of Marriage
As a couples therapist, I constantly witness the shift in perspective required for a marriage to thrive. Many couples start therapy feeling trapped in a vicious cycle of blame, convinced that their partner is the cause and sole source of their problems. This is where the wisdom of Rudolf Dreikurs, a key figure in Adlerian psychology, offers a profoundly liberating and practical perspective.
Dreikurs insisted that marriage is never a fairy tale of seamless harmony, nor is it a power struggle to be "won." Instead, he viewed it as a partnership between two social equals working toward a common goal: mutual satisfaction and cooperation.
Every Problem is a Common Task
The single most powerful idea Dreikurs contributes to couples therapy is this: Every problem confronting a couple is a common task demanding mutual effort.
When a couple argues about money, sex, chores, or in-laws, they are not failing as individuals; they are simply failing to agree on seeing the problem for what it is and how to address a shared task. The problem is not the persons; the problem is the method of cooperation.
For example;
The Problem: The laundry isn't getting done.
The Common Task: Maintaining a clean and functioning household. (Running out of clean clothes and having sweaty clothing piling up is a problem for the household).
Dreikurs's Insight: Instead of asking, "Why are you so lazy?" (blame), the couple must ask, "How can we arrange our schedule and responsibilities to achieve our goal of clean clothes?" (cooperation).
This perspective immediately removes the focus from character assassination and places it squarely on cooperation and creative problem-solving. It acknowledges that both partners contribute to the atmosphere of the relationship, and therefore, both must contribute to the solution.
Democracy in Action
Dreikurs saw modern marriage as an expression of the modern democratic ideal. The equality of partners today replaces the outdated, autocratic model where one spouse (historically the husband) held dominance. When this equality (equally responsible and equally accountable) is ignored, couples inevitably descend into what he called "mistaken goals":
Seeking Undue Attention: Arguments driven by a need to be noticed or catered to.
Struggling for Power: The most common dynamic, where both partners feel they must dominate the other to feel secure. This is why many arguments turn into a stubborn, cyclical deadlock.
Seeking Revenge: When a partner feels deeply hurt, they lash out to hurt the other, escalating the conflict in order to feel even again.
Displaying Inadequacy: Withdrawing and giving up to mask a fear of failure or criticism.
As a relationship therapist using Dreikurs's insights, I help couples identify these mistaken goals hidden beneath their anger, sadness, and despair. By understanding that their fight isn't about the dishes, but about a struggle about fear and insecurity, we can reframe the conflict. The goal is no longer to get the upper hand, but to find a way for both partners to feel equally respected and capable—the true common task of a healthy, democratic marriage.
Encouragement and Mutual Respect
Dreikurs also stressed that the foundational tool for cooperation in marriage is encouragement. Criticism, fault-finding, and blame destroy self-esteem and push a partner toward one of the mistaken goals. Encouragement, however, focuses on:
Acknowledging Effort: Recognizing what the partner has done to addressing the joint task at hand thus far, not just what they've failed to do.
Accepting Imperfection: Understanding that mistakes are part of learning the common tasks.
Focusing on Contribution: Highlighting the partner's positive contributions to the relationship and family.
Marriage is a continuous process of learning to navigate common tasks with mutual respect. It requires partners to stop fighting for personal advantage and start working together for the success of the shared enterprise. It’s the shift from "My way or the highway" to "How do we get there together?”
If you need help with navigating ruptures and repairs in your relationship, Couples Therapy may be the answer.
Reconnecting After the Storm: Using Jane Hurley's Feedback Wheel for Relationship Repair
As a relationship psychologist, I frequently work with couples navigating the inevitable ruptures that occur in any long-term relationship. While conflict and disconnection are normal, the ability to repair these ruptures is the foundation of a secure, resilient partnership. One of the most effective tools I recommend for this process is Jane Hurley's Feedback Wheel. This structured, empathic approach moves couples beyond blame and defensiveness toward mutual understanding and healing.
What is Jane Hurley's Feedback Wheel?
The Feedback Wheel is a communication framework designed to help partners deliver and receive difficult or corrective feedback in a way that fosters connection rather than escalating conflict. It shifts the focus from "who's right" to "what happened" and "how we can reconnect." The Wheel guides the partner initiating the repair through four distinct, sequential steps, ensuring the message is delivered in a digestible and constructive manner.
The Four Steps to Healing a Rupture in Your Relationship
For a couple to effectively use the Wheel, the partner who was hurt or impacted by the rupture (the Giver) delivers the feedback, and the partner who caused the rupture (the Receiver) listens non-defensively.
1. Observation (The "What I Saw/Heard")
This step grounds the feedback in objective, verifiable facts. It's crucial to state exactly what happened without interpretation, judgment, or mind-reading. This sets a neutral foundation, making the Receiver less likely to feel attacked.
Example: Instead of: "You always ignore me," try: "When I started talking about my day, you picked up your phone and began scrolling."
2. Feelings (The "How I Felt")
Here, the Giver shares their internal emotional experience triggered by the observation. This is not a time for blame ("You made me feel..."), but for owning one's emotions using "I" statements. Sharing vulnerability invites empathy from the Receiver.
Example: Instead of: "I felt unimportant," try: "I felt a wave of sadness and hurt when I saw you look at your phone."
3. Needs (The "What I Needed/Wanted")
The Giver articulates the underlying need that was unmet by the rupture. This is a powerful step because it clarifies the goal of the feedback—it's about a need for connection, respect, or security, not just a complaint. This transforms the message from a grievance into a heartfelt request.
Example: Instead of: "I needed you to put your phone down," try: "I need to feel like I have your full attention and that what I'm sharing matters to you, especially after a long day."
4. Future (The "What I Request Going Forward")
This final step focuses on solution and repair. The Giver makes a specific, actionable request for a change in future behaviour. This gives the Receiver a clear roadmap for success and demonstrates the Giver's investment in moving forward.
Example: Instead of: "Be more present," try: "Next time I start sharing about my work day, could you please pause what you're doing, put your phone down, and make eye contact for the first few minutes?"
The Role of the Receiver: Active Listening and Repair
The Giver's use of the Wheel sets the stage, but the Receiver's response is what determines successful repair. Their primary task is active listening without interrupting or defending.
Once the Giver has completed all four steps, the Receiver must:
Validate: Summarize what they heard to ensure accuracy and demonstrate understanding. ("What I hear is that when I picked up my phone, you felt hurt because you need my undivided attention. Is that right?")
Take Responsibility: Acknowledge their contribution to the pain, without making excuses. ("I can see now how my action hurt you. I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention.")
Commit to the Request: Agree to the future request or collaboratively negotiate an acceptable alternative. ("Yes, I can absolutely commit to putting my phone away when we transition after work.")
Why the Wheel Works for Rupture Repair in Your Relationship
The Feedback Wheel is more than just a template for communication; it's a therapeutic intervention because it:
Slows Down the Conversation: It prevents the conversation from devolving into a reactive fight by enforcing a structured, turn-taking approach.
Focuses on Process, Not Person: By starting with a factual "Observation" and ending with a "Future" request, the feedback remains centred on a specific behaviour and the desired outcome, rather than attacking the partner's character.
Increases Empathy: The "Feelings" and "Needs" steps give the Receiver access to the Giver's inner world, making it easier for them to feel empathy and understand the impact of their actions, fostering genuine remorse and a desire to repair.
Using the Feedback Wheel requires practice and commitment, but it is an invaluable tool for transforming conflict into closeness. It teaches couples that ruptures are not endpoints, but rather opportunities for deeper understanding and a more secure, loving reconnection.
If you need help with navigating ruptures and repairs in your relationship, Couples Therapy may be the answer.
Unblurring the Lines: From Enmeshment to Healthy Family Closeness
As a couples therapist, one of the most common and subtle forms of relationship dysfunction I encounter is enmeshment. It is often mistaken for closeness or deep family loyalty, but Dr. Patricia Love, through her work on families and relationships has clearly illuminated the difference between enmeshment and healthy family belonging.
Enmeshment, in essence, is a blurring of boundaries where the emotional lives of individuals become so intertwined that their distinct sense of self is suffocated. This dynamic, which often originates from the parent/carer child relationship where a child's needs, feelings, or choices are subjugated to meet a parent's unresolved emotional deficits, can severely impair an adult's capacity for independence and authentic intimacy.
The core of the work in therapy when working with enmeshment is helping individuals differentiate themselves and move toward a truly healthy family system.
Self-Identity, Autonomy, and Emeshment in Relationships
Here are the key differences in how identity and independence are managed:
In an Enmeshed Family:
Identity is Shared: Individuals struggle to articulate their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, often mirroring the family's "party line."
Decisions are Group-Controlled: Major life choices (career, partner, location) are heavily influenced or even dictated by the expectation of the family unit.
Fear of Independence: Separation is viewed as a betrayal or abandonment, often triggering guilt-trips and emotional manipulation from the parent.
In a Healthy Family:
Identity is Distinct: Individuality is not just tolerated, but encouraged. Members have a strong sense of self (differentiation) while still feeling connected.
Decisions are Individual: Adult children are supported in making their own choices, mistakes, and learning from them, with parental support offered without control.
Celebration of Independence: Separation and individuation are seen as a healthy, natural, and necessary part of adult development.
In an enmeshed system, one's self-worth becomes entirely contingent upon meeting the family's (often the parent's) approval. The move toward autonomy is experienced as an existential threat to the parent, who may have made the child their primary emotional source.
Boundaries, Emotional Regulation, and Emeshment in Relationships
The distinction in boundaries and emotional management is also sharp:
In an Enmeshed Family:
Boundaries are Non-existent: Privacy is minimal. Parents may overshare inappropriate emotional or marital details with the child, or demand access to the adult child's private life.
Emotional Fusion: Members absorb one another's moods. If a parent is upset, the adult child feels personally responsible for fixing that emotion, leading to high anxiety.
Guilt as the Glue: Guilt and obligation are the primary motivators for compliance ("After everything I've done for you...").
In a Healthy Family:
Boundaries are Clear and Respected: There is a clear distinction between the parent/child roles, and the privacy of all members is honored.
Emotional Support without Responsibility: Members offer empathy and support, but each individual is ultimately responsible for managing their own emotional state (self-soothing).
Love as the Glue: Connection is rooted in unconditional love and mutual respect, not fear of reprisal or emotional abandonment.
In healthy families, support is freely given; in enmeshed families, it is a debt that must be repaid through eternal emotional availability and compliance.
The Path to Healthy Closeness with Your Partner
Healing from an enmeshed dynamic requires courage and a committed effort to differentiate yourself—to develop a "self" that is separate and whole. This is not about cutting off your family, but about establishing clear, non-negotiable boundaries that allow for both love and independence.
Stop Jousting with Guilt: Recognize emotional manipulation (guilt, victimhood) as a symptom of their fear, not a reflection of your selfishness. The most loving thing you can do for yourself, and ultimately your family, is to choose health over harmony.
Practice Assertiveness (Saying "No"): Start small. Say "no" to a minor request and practice tolerating the immediate discomfort or emotional fallout. This builds your self-efficacy and teaches the other party where your boundaries truly lie.
Find External Support: An enmeshed parent may unconsciously discourage other friendships or interests. Deliberately invest time and energy into relationships outside the family system. This provides the emotional diversification necessary to stop over-relying on the family for all validation.
True closeness flourishes when there is enough space for everyone to be their authentic self. You can be deeply connected to your family without losing yourself in the process.
If you need help with enmeshment in your relationships, Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy with Jerodine may be helpful.
Unblurring the Lines: From Enmeshment to Healthy Family Closeness
As a psychologist, one of the most common and subtle forms of relationship dysfunction I encounter is enmeshment. It is often mistaken for closeness or deep family loyalty, but Dr. Patricia Love, through her work on families and relationships has clearly illuminated the painful difference between enmeshment and healthy family cohesion.
Enmeshment, in essence, is a blurring of boundaries where the emotional lives of individuals become so intertwined that their distinct sense of self is suffocated. This dynamic—which often originates from the parent/carer child relationship where a child's needs, feelings, or choices are subjugated to meet a parent's unresolved emotional deficits—can severely impair an adult's capacity for independence and authentic intimacy.
The core of the work in therapy is helping individuals differentiate themselves and move toward a truly healthy family system.
1. Self-Identity and Autonomy
Here are the key differences in how identity and independence are managed:
In an Enmeshed Family:
Identity is Shared: Individuals struggle to articulate their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, often mirroring the family's "party line."
Decisions are Group-Controlled: Major life choices (career, partner, location) are heavily influenced or even dictated by the expectation of the family unit.
Fear of Independence: Separation is viewed as a betrayal or abandonment, often triggering guilt-trips and emotional manipulation from the parent.
In a Healthy Family:
Identity is Distinct: Individuality is not just tolerated, but encouraged. Members have a strong sense of self (differentiation) while still feeling connected.
Decisions are Individual: Adult children are supported in making their own choices, mistakes, and learning from them, with parental support offered without control.
Celebration of Independence: Separation and individuation are seen as a healthy, natural, and necessary part of adult development.
In an enmeshed system, one's self-worth becomes entirely contingent upon meeting the family's (often the parent's) approval. The move toward autonomy is experienced as an existential threat to the parent, who may have made the child their primary emotional source.
2. Boundaries and Emotional Regulation
The distinction in boundaries and emotional management is also sharp:
In an Enmeshed Family:
Boundaries are Non-existent: Privacy is minimal. Parents may overshare inappropriate emotional or marital details with the child, or demand access to the adult child's private life.
Emotional Fusion: Members absorb one another's moods. If a parent is upset, the adult child feels personally responsible for fixing that emotion, leading to high anxiety.
Guilt as the Glue: Guilt and obligation are the primary motivators for compliance ("After everything I've done for you...").
In a Healthy Family:
Boundaries are Clear and Respected: There is a clear distinction between the parent/child roles, and the privacy of all members is honored.
Emotional Support without Responsibility: Members offer empathy and support, but each individual is ultimately responsible for managing their own emotional state (self-soothing).
Love as the Glue: Connection is rooted in unconditional love and mutual respect, not fear of reprisal or emotional abandonment.
In healthy families, support is freely given; in enmeshed families, it is a debt that must be repaid through eternal emotional availability and compliance.
The Path to Healthy Closeness
Healing from an enmeshed dynamic requires courage and a committed effort to differentiate yourself—to develop a "self" that is separate and whole. This is not about cutting off your family, but about establishing clear, non-negotiable boundaries that allow for both love and independence.
Stop Jousting with Guilt: Recognize emotional manipulation (guilt, victimhood) as a symptom of their fear, not a reflection of your selfishness. The most loving thing you can do for yourself, and ultimately your family, is to choose health over harmony.
Practice Assertiveness (Saying "No"): Start small. Say "no" to a minor request and practice tolerating the immediate discomfort or emotional fallout. This builds your self-efficacy and teaches the other party where your boundaries truly lie.
Find External Support: An enmeshed parent may unconsciously discourage other friendships or interests. Deliberately invest time and energy into relationships outside the family system. This provides the emotional diversification necessary to stop over-relying on the family for all validation.
True closeness flourishes when there is enough space for everyone to be their authentic self. You can be deeply connected to your family without losing yourself in the process.
Mastering the Art: Applying Erich Fromm's Blueprint for Mature Love in Modern Relationships
As a clinical psychologist, I often see couples whose distress stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of what love actually is. They've been sold a fantasy—the Hollywood ideal of "falling in love," a euphoric, passive experience. But as the psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wisely stated over half a century ago, "Love is an art." And like any art, it requires knowledge and effort.
In my practice, I find Fromm's work, particularly The Art of Loving, to be an indispensable blueprint for shifting from a destructive, immature love to a fulfilling, mature one. The core of his theory challenges the pervasive notion that love is an object to be found or a pleasant feeling that happens to you. Instead, it is an active power and a practice—a way of being that seeks to overcome the isolation inherent in the human condition.
The Four Pillars of Active Love
Fromm breaks down the complex art of loving into four essential, interlinked components that must be actively present in a healthy relationship. For a therapist, these provide concrete areas for couples to focus their effort and discipline.
1. Care (The Labor of Love)
Care is the active concern for the life and growth of the person we love. It is the visible proof that love is a verb. In therapy, this means moving beyond verbal assurances and addressing the shared labor of the relationship. Does a partner care for the other's well-being, their rest, their environment, and their mental space? This manifests in the mundane: the thoughtful gesture, the equitable division of chores, or the consistent prioritization of the partner's needs alongside one's own. When care is absent, love is merely sentimental.
2. Responsibility (Answering the Call)
Responsibility, for Fromm, is not a duty or a burden, but a voluntary act. It is the willingness to "answer" when the other person needs a response, both physically and psychologically. This requires couples to be attuned to each other—to recognize and respond to the unexpressed needs. If your partner is withdrawing, responsibility means asking, "What is going on for you?" and accepting their emotional state as something you are willing to engage with, not something you feel entitled to ignore.
3. Respect (The Absence of Exploitation)
Perhaps the most crucial, and often violated, pillar is Respect. This is the ability to see a person as they are, to acknowledge their unique individuality and to desire their growth for their own sake, not to serve one's own needs.
Clinical Application: Many relationships devolve into an attempt to change the partner into an idealized version. True respect means honoring your partner's separate personhood. They are not a possession, nor are they an extension of your ego. When respect is present, there is no urge to dominate, control, or exploit the other's vulnerabilities.
4. Knowledge (Seeing Beyond the Surface)
Knowledge is the final component, as care, responsibility, and respect would be "blind" without it. This means moving beyond the superficial acquaintance of the partner and striving for a deep understanding of their inner world. This is not the clinical knowledge of an analyst, but the knowledge gained through mutual vulnerability and deep listening.
Therapeutic Goal: I often guide couples to practice "intentional knowledge-seeking." This involves curiosity, asking open-ended questions, and reserving judgment to truly see the other person's hopes, fears, and unique life story—recognizing the profound difference between the idea of your partner and the reality of who they are.
Love as a Union of Separate Selves
The paradoxical beauty of Fromm’s concept is that love is a union under the condition of preserving one's integrity. The deepest desire for human connection—to overcome separateness—can only be successfully achieved by two independent individuals.
This means self-love is foundational. The individual who is capable of loving is the one who has developed their own personality and overcome their narcissism. If you rely on your partner to complete you, you are not engaging in mature love; you are indulging in a form of symbiotic attachment that will eventually suffocate the relationship.
In essence, Fromm teaches us that to have a healthy relationship, you must first master yourself. Love is not a sudden magic, but a demanding, lifelong discipline that requires patience, courage, and an unwavering belief that the growth of both yourself and your partner is the most important pursuit in life. It's a choice you make every single day.
The Erotic Equation: Esther Perel on Intimacy and the Need for Distance
Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel has challenged conventional wisdom about love and desire in long-term relationships, positing a compelling paradox: the very ingredients that foster intimacy—security, familiarity, and closeness—can often be the same factors that kill desire, which thrives on mystery, novelty, and a sense of distance.
Perel's core argument, notably articulated in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, is that modern relationships struggle to reconcile two fundamental and often conflicting human needs: the need for security and the need for freedom or surprise.
The Paradox of Desire and Intimacy
Intimacy is built on closeness, knowledge, and trust. We want our partners to be our best friends, confidants, and emotional anchors. This profound connection is essential for a stable, loving relationship. However, Perel suggests that desire requires a degree of distance, a space between two people where the imagination can roam and the partner remains, in some sense, a mystery.
Intimacy as Home: Intimacy provides a feeling of being home—safe, known, and loved unconditionally. This is a place of comfort and belonging.
Desire as Adventure: Desire, by contrast, is an impulse for adventure and transcendence. It's fueled by what is unknown or elusive. Perel argues that we cannot desire what we already possess completely; desire requires a degree of otherness in the loved one.
The tension arises because, for many, the safety of love often eclipses the vitality of desire. When a partner becomes too familiar—when there are no boundaries, no independent worlds, and no room for the unexpected—the erotic spark can fade, replaced by a comfortable but ultimately de-eroticized bond.
Cultivating the Erotic Space
To sustain desire, Perel advises couples to deliberately cultivate this necessary distance, or "erotic space," within the relationship. This doesn't mean emotional withdrawal or neglect; rather, it means nurturing the independent, sovereign self of both partners.
Embrace Independence: Partners need to maintain separate interests, friendships, and pursuits that allow them to be seen by their loved one in a state of radiance—passionate and in their element. When we see our partner thriving autonomously, they become momentarily elusive and, therefore, more desirable.
Reintroduce Mystery: A long-term partner is not a problem to be solved or a known entity to be controlled. Perel encourages couples to foster curiosity about the person they thought they knew. A little privacy—maintaining a small, unshared inner world—helps sustain the mystery that fuels longing.
Shift Modes: The mode of caring (giving, nurturing, being responsible) is often the antithesis of the mode of desire (taking, longing, being playful). Successful couples learn to consciously switch between the two. When in the erotic space, they temporarily let go of the managerial, responsible self that governs the daily domestic life.
Intentionality: Desire isn't something that spontaneously falls from the sky; it is often premeditated, intentional, and willed. Couples who sustain desire know how to "resurrect" it by being intentional about creating moments of playfulness, fantasy, and mutual reach.
Ultimately, Perel’s theory offers a hopeful path for couples struggling with the decline of passion. It suggests that sustaining desire requires accepting the paradox: love seeks closeness, but desire needs space. By honoring both the need for connection and the need for a separate self, couples can keep their relationship both safe and alive.
Shifting the Paradigm: From "You vs. Me" to "Us" in Relational Health
In my work as a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, I’ve observed countless couples trapped in a painful, repetitive dance of conflict and disconnection. They view their relationship as a zero-sum game, where one person must be right, and the other must be wrong. This is the essence of what renowned family therapist Terence Real calls "You and Me" consciousness—an individualistic, adversarial approach that poisons intimacy.
Real's therapeutic breakthrough lies in guiding couples to shift from this damaging "You and Me" mindset to an "Us" consciousness. This is not just a semantic trick; it is a fundamental shift in relational philosophy that sees the couple as a team whose well-being is greater than the sum of their parts. If one person loses, the "Us" loses, and both ultimately suffer. This ecological view of relationship health is the key to achieving what Real terms fierce intimacy.
1. The Myth of the Individualist at Home
Real rightly challenges the cultural fiction of the "rugged individual" in the context of intimate relationships. The idea that we are entirely self-sufficient, that we should prioritize our personal needs above the needs of the relationship, is a recipe for disaster.
The Problem with "Being Right": The most common "You and Me" trap is right-fighting. When we're arguing about who is factually correct, we’ve entirely lost the plot. Real insists that in intimate relationships, objective reality doesn't matter; what matters is the negotiation between two separate, valid subjective realities. Your goal shouldn't be to win the point, but to heal the rupture.
Coregulation, Not Self-Regulation: Neurobiologically, Real argues, humans are wired for co-regulation. We stabilize our nervous systems through each other. When you retreat into an isolated, defensive "You and Me" stance, you actively disrupt your partner's—and your own—nervous system, perpetuating a cycle of anxiety and distance. The "Us" recognizes that connection is a biological imperative.
2. Identifying and Managing the "Adaptive Child"
When conflict strikes, we often "flip our lid," as Dan Siegel would say, and the mature, thoughtful part of our brain goes offline. In that moment, the relationship is hijacked by what Real calls the Adaptive Child—a younger, wounded part of ourselves that is reacting to the present through the prism of the past. This is where the five "Losing Strategies" emerge:
Adaptive Child (You & Me) Wise Adult (Us)
Being Right Listening for the Subjective Experience
Controlling the partner Asserting needs with Soft Power
Retaliation Repair and accountability
Unbridled Self-Expression Contained and intentional feedback
Withdrawal Taking a Time-Out with a plan for return
The key therapeutic move is to teach couples to ask: "Which part of me is talking right now?" The Adaptive Child prioritizes self-protection; only the Wise Adult is interested in true intimacy.
3. Activating "Us" Consciousness: The Skillset of Repair
Shifting to "Us" is not about being a doormat; it requires relational heroism—choosing a new path when every instinct screams for the old, destructive one. The goal is to develop a robust skillset of repair.
Remember Love: When triggered, the first, most crucial step is to pause and intentionally bring the relationship to mind. Remember that this person is your cherished partner, not your enemy.
Practice Soft Power: This is the relational language of the Wise Adult. It means asserting your needs firmly and lovingly in the same breath. Instead of, "You always interrupt me!" (a hostile "You and Me" attack), use Soft Power: "Sweetheart, I want to hear what you have to say, but I'm losing my train of thought. Could you please let me finish, then I'll be all yours?"
Assume the Best Intent: The "You and Me" mindset assumes malice or defect (e.g., "You did that to hurt me"). The "Us" mindset gives the benefit of the doubt, asking, "What was my partner's positive intention behind that clumsy action?"
Prioritize Generous Listening: When your partner is speaking from hurt, your only job is to cross the bridge into their subjective world and validate their experience. Not their facts, but their feelings. "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I love you, and I don't want you to feel bad." This is the ultimate "Us" move; it restores connection, and connection precedes problem-solving.
In essence, the ultimate relational victory is when you both look at the problem—the conflict, the rupture, the unmet need—and say: "It's not you versus me; it's you and me versus this problem." That shift is where the real intimacy, and the real healing, begins.