Writings on Relationships and Connection
The Relationship Space
Using Transactional Analysis to Improve the Communication in Your Relationship
In many relationships, communication problems are less about what is being said and more about the psychological position from which it is said. From a transactional analysis (TA) perspective, this becomes a powerful lens for understanding and improving marital communication.
As a relationship psychologist at Koira Psychology, I often find that couples are not simply talking to each other as two grounded adults. Instead, they are unconsciously shifting between three core ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. These modes shape tone, interpretation, and emotional reactions, often escalating conflict or creating distance when left unexplored.
Understanding the Three Ego States
Transactional Analysis describes the three ego states as follows:
1. Parent Mode
This state reflects internalised attitudes, rules, and behaviours learned from authority figures in childhood. It often comes across as critical, controlling, or moralising but can also be nurturing.
● Critical Parent: “You never help around the house. You’re so lazy.”
● Nurturing Parent: “You look tired, let me take care of dinner tonight.”
2. Child Mode
This state expresses emotions, impulses, and relational patterns developed in childhood. It can be reactive, vulnerable, playful, or defensive.
● Adapted Child: “Fine, I’ll just do everything myself.”
● Rebellious Child: “Why should I? You can’t tell me what to do.”
● Free Child: “Let’s just forget everything and go out tonight!”
3. Adult Mode
This is the grounded, present-focused, rational state. It is curious, calm, and responsive rather than reactive. The Adult mode evaluates reality with objectivity, regulates emotion, and seeks collaborative solutions.
● “I notice we’ve both been tired lately, and the housework is building up. Can we figure out a plan together?”
Why Couples Get Stuck
Transactional Analysis describes what goes on in distressed relationships where communication between partners often becomes a Parent–Child dynamic rather than an Adult–Adult exchange.
For example:
● One partner speaks from a Critical Parent state: “You’re always on your phone.”
● The other responds from a Child state: “You’re always nagging. Nothing I do is good enough.”
This interaction creates a crossed transaction, a misalignment that escalates conflict rather than resolving it. Neither person feels heard, and both feel justified in their psychological position of each other and or the conflict. Over time, these patterns can become automatic. Partners stop responding to each other as they are now and instead reacting to old emotional templates from their past.
The Shift to Adult Mode
Improving communication in a marriage often involves partners intentionally shifting into Adult Mode, especially when tension arises.
The Adult state is not cold or detached, it is regulated, respectful, and reality based. It allows both partners to move out of blame and defensiveness and into collaboration.
Key Features of Adult Communication:
● Focuses on observable facts rather than assumptions
● Expresses feelings without accusation
● Invites dialogue rather than demands compliance
● Regulates emotional intensity
● Seeks mutual understanding and solutions
Practical Examples: Same Situation, Different Modes
Let’s take a common relational issue: one partner feeling unsupported with household responsibilities.
Parent Mode Response:
“You never help. I have to do everything myself. It’s ridiculous.”
● Tone: Critical, blaming
● Likely response from partner: Defensiveness (Child mode)
Child Mode Response:
“I guess I just don’t matter to you. Why do I even bother?”
● Tone: Hurt, indirect, emotionally loaded
● Likely response from partner: Withdrawal or frustration
Adult Mode Response:
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with the housework lately. I’d really appreciate us looking at how we can share it more evenly.”
● Tone: Calm, clear, collaborative
● Likely response from partner: Engagement and problem-solving
Recognising Triggers and Pausing
One of the most important skills in applying transactional analysis is recognising when you’ve shifted out of Adult mode.
Common signs include:
● Feeling suddenly defensive, criticised, or small (Child)
● Feeling morally superior, frustrated, or controlling (Parent)
● Using absolute language (“always”, “never”)
● Reacting quickly rather than thoughtfully
The initial intervention is simple but not easy: pause.
A brief moment of awareness allows a shift:
● From reaction → to reflection
● From assumption → to curiosity
● From escalation → to regulation
Reworking Real-Life Conversations
Here’s how a couple might consciously shift their communication:
Original Pattern:
● Partner A (Parent): “You’re late again. You clearly don’t care.”
● Partner B (Child): “I can’t do anything right with you.”
Reworked in Adult Mode:
● Partner A: “When you arrived late tonight, I noticed I felt frustrated and a bit unimportant. Can we talk about what happened?”
● Partner B: “Yeah, I got caught up at work and didn’t communicate well. I’m sorry. I can see how that has affected you.”
Notice the difference: the second exchange invites connection rather than conflict.
The Deeper Impact
When couples consistently communicate from Adult mode, several shifts occur:
● Emotional safety increases
● Misinterpretations decrease
● Conflict becomes opportunities for partners to be more constructive with their communication
● Each partner feels respected rather than managed, blamed or judged
Importantly, Adult communication doesn’t eliminate emotion—it holds emotion within a regulated and relationally respectful frame.
Reflection
Most couples don’t struggle because they lack love or intention. They struggle because they are unknowingly communicating from outdated internal roles replaying dynamics learned in childhood, long before the relationship began.
Transactional analysis offers a simple solution: Speak as the adult you are, not the child you once were, or the parent you internalised.
In doing so, communication becomes less about winning or defending, and more about understanding, repairing, and growing together.
How Labelling Your Partner Can Limit Connection: A Couples Therapist’s Perspective
In relationships, it’s common to mentally label our partners: “He’s stubborn,” “She’s sensitive,” “He’s careless,” “She’s controlling.” As a couple’s therapist, I often see how these labels, even when meant to explain behaviour, can subtly shape the way we see our partner—and the way we relate to them.
Labels Narrow Our View
When we label someone, our brain tends to focus on behaviour that fits the label and filter out evidence that doesn’t. If we think of our partner as “lazy,” we might overlook all the ways they contribute, care, or take initiative. If we label them “difficult,” we may ignore moments of compromise or kindness.
This narrowing can make our partner feel unseen and reduce our capacity for empathy. Over time, the label can define the relationship, creating cycles of frustration, misunderstanding, and emotional distance.
Labelling Blocks the Complexity of a Person
Every person is multi-faceted. Your partner can be thoughtful, funny, stubborn, sensitive, caring, and impulsive—all at once. Labels flatten this complexity into a dominant, rigid story that doesn’t reflect the full person.
When we hold onto a label, we stop noticing the nuances: the small gestures, the compromises, the growth, the attempts at connection. We begin to see them as “that type of person,” rather than someone who is constantly evolving and adapting within the relationship.
The Impact on Connection
Labels don’t just affect perception—they influence behaviour. When we see our partner through a narrowly defined lens, we may respond in ways that confirm the label: we might withdraw, argue more, or criticise, which can make the partner live up to the very label we’ve assigned them.
The relationship can become a mirror of the label, rather than a space where both partners are free to express their full selves.
A More Open-Minded Approach
Couples therapy often focuses on helping partners notice these patterns without blame. Some strategies include:
● Pause before judging: Notice when a label comes to mind. Ask, “Is this all they are, or just one part of them?”
● Observe with curiosity: Look for evidence of other qualities of your partner, even small gestures.
● Name the behaviour, not the person: Instead of “You’re careless,” try, “You didn’t complete the task even though you said you would. Can we figure out a way together?”
● Stay open to growth: Remember that people can change and adapt; labels tend to freeze them in time.
By stepping back from labels, couples can expand their view, notice complexity, and respond with curiosity rather than frustration. The relationship becomes less about “correcting a type” and more about engaging with a whole person.
Final Thoughts
Labelling a partner is often automatic and unintentional, but it has real consequences for connection and intimacy. The practice of noticing behaviours without assigning identity allows relationships to deepen, fosters empathy, and helps partners feel seen in their full complexity.
From a couples therapist perspective, letting go of rigid labels isn’t about excusing behaviour—it’s about creating space for understanding, compassion, and growth for both partners.
Loving from Above or Below: How Equality Strengthens Your Marriage
In couples therapy, one theme we often explore is how power dynamics can shape a relationship. Inspired by Terrence Real’s work, many couples struggle when love is expressed from a position of “above” or “below.” Understanding this, alongside Adlerian concepts of vertical and horizontal relationships, can help couples create more balanced, fulfilling partnerships.
What Does It Mean to Love from Above or Below?
Terrence Real describes two common patterns in relationships:
● Loving from above: One partner assumes control, feels superior, or tries to “lead” in a way that diminishes the other’s voice.
● Loving from below: One partner becomes overly accommodating, passive, or submissive, often sacrificing their own needs to maintain harmony.
When love is expressed through either of these positions, it can unintentionally create distance, resentment, or frustration. Both partners may feel unseen or undervalued, even when intentions are good.
Adlerian Psychology: Vertical vs. Horizontal Relationships
Alfred Adler’s framework offers insight into why these patterns emerge.
● Vertical relationships: Hierarchical and unequal, where one partner holds authority and the other defers.
● Horizontal relationships: Egalitarian and balanced, where both partners share responsibility, decision-making, and accountability.
In marriages, vertical patterns can subtly erode connection. One partner may feel burdened by responsibility, while the other feels overshadowed, underappreciated or unheard. Horizontal relationships, in contrast, promote collaboration, respect, and intimacy.
Why Vertical Patterns Can Harm Marriages
Vertical dynamics often develop unconsciously. Past experiences, family upbringing, or social expectations can influence how partners show up. While not inherently “wrong,” these patterns can:
● Reduce emotional safety and trust
● Increase frustration and misunderstandings
● Limit authentic expression of needs and desires
● Make conflict resolution more challenging
● Affect mutual trust and affection when partners create a parent-child like relationship with each other
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healthier connection.
Moving Toward Horizontal Love
Terrence Real encourages couples to cultivate “relational competence”: the ability to love as equals while maintaining individual boundaries. Key steps include:
● Awareness: Notice when hierarchical patterns appear in your relationship.
● Open Communication: Discuss dynamics without blame, curiosity over judgment.
● Shared Responsibility: Collaborate on decisions and problem-solving.
● Mutual Respect: Honor both partners’ needs, emotions, and perspectives.
Shifting from vertical to horizontal dynamics allows couples to experience connection as a shared journey rather than a transactional exchange.
Building a Marriage Based on Equality
Couples who embrace horizontal relationships often report deeper empathy, stronger trust, and a renewed sense of partnership. Neither partner feels “above” or “below,” and both are fully seen, heard, and valued.
At Koira Psychology on the Gold Coast, we support couples in exploring these patterns and learning to connect in ways that are respectful, balanced, and emotionally fulfilling. Love thrives when it is mutual, conscious, and shared equally.
Shared Goals in Relationships: The Balance Between Alignment and Authenticity
In healthy partnerships, shared goals act like a compass, guiding couples toward a shared sense of meaning and direction. Whether it’s building a home, raising a family, starting a business, or retiring by the sea, these joint aspirations can deepen connection and strengthen the bond between partners. When both individuals are aligned, shared goals can be a profound source of intimacy, trust, and teamwork.
However, the idea of alignment only works when it is freely chosen. Problems arise when one partner feels pressured to adopt the other’s goals, out of fear, guilt, or a desire to maintain harmony. In such cases, “alignment” is more like compliance. The relationship may appear united on the surface but underneath lies quiet resentment.
For example, one partner may feel compelled to agree to keep the peace, while the other may unconsciously assume that unity means sameness. Over time, this dynamic can lead to building internal pressure to conform and align, leading to denial of one’s needs, one’s individuality, creating emotional distance.
There are times when one or both partners realise that their deeper goals no longer align. Perhaps one dreams of a simpler life in the countryside, while the other thrives on city energy and career ambition. Or one yearns for parenthood while the other does not. These moments can be painful to accept, as they force couples to confront the gap between love and compatibility.
One Example
Consider Emma and Daniel, a hypothetical couple in their mid-thirties. For years, they seemed perfectly aligned, both ambitious, career-driven, and eager to travel. But when Emma began longing to settle down and start a family, Daniel admitted that parenthood was not something he wanted. At first, Daniel agreed to “think about it” to avoid hurting Emma, and she interpreted that as hope. When they finally discussed it in therapy, both admitted to feeling trapped, Emma by unmet desire, Daniel by his desire to be Emma’s partner but not by her expectation of their joint future. The real healing began when they gave each other permission to be honest, even if that honesty led to having ongoing deep conversations and making difficult choices.
Moving Forward: How Therapy Can Help from the Perspective of Adler, Satir, and Minuchin
When couples discover their goals no longer align, therapy can offer a space to understand what lies beneath those differences, and how to move forward with clarity and respect. Using the varied therapeutic approaches of three well known therapists, we can formulate a therapy that would be beneficial for Emma and Daniel.
Alfred Adler’s approach would focus on uncovering the private logic and life goals that each partner holds. Adler believed that all behaviour is purposeful, directed toward a sense of belonging and significance. With Emma and Daniel, Adler might explore how their early experiences shaped their current priorities — perhaps Emma’s wish for family reflects a deeper desire for connection, while Daniel’s avoidance of parenthood stems from fears of inadequacy or loss of freedom. Through understanding these inner motives, the couple could move from blame to empathy and rediscover shared meaning, even if their external goals differ.
Family Therapist Virginia Satir would work with their communication patterns and emotional honesty. She often helped couples express their inner feelings congruently, by aligning words, feelings, and body language. With Emma and Daniel, Satir might notice how Daniel’s “I’ll think about it” was an incongruent message, masking discomfort behind appeasement. She would help them speak from their true selves, using “I” statements and emotional transparency, creating a safe space where both could express needs without fear of judgment. For Satir, growth comes from authentic connection and self-worth, allowing both individuals to honour their differences while still valuing the bond they share.
Salvador Minuchin, a structural family therapist, would focus on realigning the couple’s boundaries and structure. He would observe how the relationship system has organised itself. For example, Emma has taken a more dominant emotional role in the relationship, while Daniel has adapted to maintain harmony. Minuchin would help them create clearer, more balanced boundaries so that decisions are made collaboratively, not from compliance or withdrawal. His goal would be to restructure interaction patterns to support individuality and connection, ensuring that both partners have a voice within the shared system of the couple.
Together, these perspectives highlight that alignment in a relationship does not require sameness. Healthy alignment requires mutual understanding, emotional honesty, and structural balance. Through therapy, couples can learn to listen beyond the surface of their disagreements, discover the beliefs that drive them, and decide, with compassion and truth, how to move forward.
Ultimately, whether they choose to stay together or part, Couples Therapy offers a path toward growth, self-awareness, and dignity for both partners.
Four Ways We Respond to a Negative Message
What began as a passion project has evolved into something more. We’re proud of where we’ve been and even more excited for what’s ahead. What sets us apart isn’t just our process—it’s the intention behind it. We take time to understand, explore, and create with purpose at every turn.
In relationships, it’s not the absence of conflict that determines closeness, but how we respond when something lands painfully. A comment from a partner, a tone we don’t like, or words that feel dismissive can quickly activate old patterns.
Drawing on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, there are four common ways we tend to respond internally when we receive a negative message. Becoming aware of these options can quietly transform how we relate — especially in intimate relationships.
1. Blaming Ourselves
One option is to turn the message inward.
We think: “It’s my fault. I’m too sensitive. I always get things wrong.”
In relationships, this often looks like shrinking, apologising too quickly, or abandoning our own experience to keep the peace. While this response may reduce conflict in the short term, over time it erodes self-respect and creates imbalance. Resentment often grows quietly underneath.
2. Blaming the Other Person
Another option is to direct blame outward.
We think: “They’re unreasonable. They’re selfish. They shouldn’t speak to me like that.”
This response can feel empowering at first, but it tends to harden positions. When partners stay locked in blame, curiosity disappears and defensiveness takes over. The relationship becomes about who is right, rather than what is happening between us.
3. Sensing Our Own Feelings and Needs
A third option is to pause and turn toward ourselves — not with blame, but with awareness.
We ask: “What am I feeling right now? What might I be needing?”
This might sound simple, but it is a profound relational skill. Instead of collapsing or attacking, we remain present. We begin to recognise emotions such as hurt, fear, sadness, or longing, and needs such as safety, respect, or connection. From here, communication becomes clearer and less reactive.
4. Sensing the Other Person’s Feelings and Needs
The fourth option is to gently wonder about the inner world of the other person.
We ask: “What might they be feeling? What might they be needing right now?”
This doesn’t mean agreeing with the message or tolerating harm. It means staying curious rather than assuming malicious intent. In couples work, this shift often softens cycles of attack and withdrawal, allowing partners to see each other as human again rather than as enemies.
Why Awareness of These Four Options Changes Relationships
Most relational distress is not caused by what is said, but by how quickly we fall into blame — of ourselves or of the other. When couples learn to recognise these four internal options, something important happens: choice appears.
Instead of reacting automatically, we can slow down and choose a response that supports connection, dignity, and mutual understanding. This awareness reduces escalation, deepens emotional intimacy, and helps couples move from power struggles toward collaboration.
Applying This in Couples Therapy
In couples therapy at Koira Psychology on the Gold Coast, these ideas are explored not as techniques to “fix” a partner, but as ways of understanding our own relational patterns. Couples often discover that conflict becomes less frightening when both people can stay connected to their own needs while remaining curious about the other.
Relationships grow not through perfection, but through the willingness to stay present when things are uncomfortable.
If you’re noticing repeated cycles of blame, withdrawal, or misunderstanding in your relationship, learning to recognise these four responses can be a meaningful first step toward change.
Observing Without Evaluating: A Quiet Skill That Transforms Relationships
In close relationships, conflict often doesn’t begin with what happened, but with how quickly meaning gets added to it. A look, a tone, or a sentence can instantly become a judgment, a story, or a verdict about our partner’s character.
One of the most powerful and underestimated ideas from the work of Marshall Rosenberg is the practice of observing without evaluating. In couples therapy, this skill alone can soften long-standing cycles of defensiveness and misunderstanding.
What Does “Observing Without Evaluating” Mean?
To observe without evaluating means describing what actually happened, without adding interpretation, criticism, or diagnosis.
Observation focuses on what is concrete and specific.
Evaluation adds meaning, judgment, or blame (fault-pointing).
For example:
● Evaluation: “You’re always so selfish.” (evaluating partner’s words/behaviours as uncaring towards you)
● Observation: “When I was talking last night, you looked at your phone and didn’t respond.” (describing what you observed)
The difference may seem subtle, but emotionally it is enormous.
Why Evaluation Creates Distance in Relationships
When we evaluate, even unintentionally, our partner is likely to hear criticism or rejection. This often triggers defensiveness, withdrawal, or counter-attack — not because they are unwilling to listen, but because the nervous system has moved into self-protection.
In long-term relationships, repeated evaluations slowly replace curiosity. Partners stop hearing each other and start reacting to perceived intent instead.
The Benefits of Observing Without Evaluating
In couples therapy at Koira Psychology, learning to separate observation from evaluation often leads to noticeable shifts:
● Less defensiveness: Partners are more able to stay present.
● Clearer communication: Conversations become about events, not character.
● Increased emotional safety: Each person feels less blamed and more understood.
● Greater intimacy: When judgment softens, vulnerability becomes possible.
This approach does not minimise hurt or ignore real issues. It simply creates a safer doorway into them.
How to Practice Observing Without Evaluating
This is a skill that develops with practice, not perfection. A few guiding principles can help:
1. Stick to what a camera could record
If a video camera couldn’t capture it, it’s likely an evaluation.
● Evaluation: “You don’t care about me.”
● Observation: “You didn’t respond to my message yesterday.”
2. Notice words that signal judgment
Words like always, never, selfish, rude, lazy, controlling often indicate evaluation.
Replacing them with time-specific descriptions changes the emotional tone.
3. Pause before speaking
Often the evaluation arrives faster than awareness. Slowing down allows choice.
Instead of immediately responding, try silently asking:
“What did I actually see or hear?”
Everyday Relationship Examples
Example 1:
● Evaluation: “You’re so unreliable.”
● Observation: “You said you’d be home at 6pm, and you arrived at 8pm.”
Example 2:
● Evaluation: “You never listen to me.”
● Observation: “While I was talking just now, you interrupted twice.”
Example 3:
● Evaluation: “You’re emotionally unavailable.”
● Observation: “When I shared how stressed I felt, you changed the subject.”
Each observation opens space for feelings and needs to be expressed — without putting the other person on trial.
Why This Matters in Couples Therapy
In relationship therapy, many couples discover that they are not fighting about the same things they think they are. Beneath the evaluations are unmet needs for connection, respect, safety, or reassurance.
Observing without evaluating helps couples move away from proving who is right, and toward understanding what is happening between them.
In couples therapy, this skill is not taught as a communication rule, but as a relational posture, one rooted in curiosity rather than certainty of one’s interpretation.
A Gentle Shift, not a Perfect One
No one observes perfectly all the time. Especially when emotions run high. What matters is the willingness to notice when judgment has taken over and to gently return to what is observable.
Relationships grow not through flawless communication, but through the courage to slow down, stay present, and speak from lived experience rather than assumption.
If you and your partner feel caught in cycles of criticism or misunderstanding, learning to observe without evaluating can be a meaningful first step toward reconnection.
Why We Make Excuses, Doubt Ourselves, and Get Jealous in Marriage
An Adlerian-Based Perspective from a Couples Therapist
As a couples therapist, I often draw on the work of Adlerian Therapist Rudolf Dreikurs to help partners understand why certain emotional patterns keep repeating in their relationship. In The Challenge of Marriage, Dreikurs explains that behaviours such as making excuses, self-doubt, and jealousy are not random flaws. They are purposeful responses to discouragement, rooted in our need for belonging, equality, and emotional safety.
When couples begin to understand the purpose behind these behaviours, change becomes far more possible.
Excuses: Protecting Ourselves from Feeling “Not Enough”
Dreikurs viewed excuses as a way of protecting our sense of worth. When we fall short, forget something, or overreact, excuses often arise automatically—not to deceive, but to shield us from the painful feeling of inadequacy.
Beneath many excuses is a quiet question:
“If you see my mistake clearly, will you still value me?”
This fear, covered up by denial and excuses, often prompts us to ‘hide’ part of ourselves to be seen as less flawed.
Over time, however, repeated explanations can create distance and erode trust. A partner may feel dismissed and deceived, rather than feeling respected and appreciated.
A healthier alternative is simple responsibility without self-attack:
“Yes, I do hide myself and make excuses. This time I have messed up. I’ll work on it.”
This builds trust instead of defensiveness.
Self-Doubt: The Hidden Driver of Conflict
Dreikurs believed self-doubt is one of the most powerful unseen forces in marriage. When we doubt our worth, we may misread neutral comments as criticism, become overly sensitive, react defensively, withdraw, or assume the worst.
At its core, self-doubt is discouragement—the belief that we are not capable or lovable enough. When discouragement grows, even small moments can feel personal and threatening.
What helps most is a culture of encouragement. Warmth, reassurance, and emotional attunement reduce self-doubt and allow couples to communicate more clearly.
Jealousy: Insecurity Seeking Reassurance
Dreikurs understood jealousy as purposeful rather than pathological. Jealousy often arises when we feel uncertain about our importance in the relationship and are seeking reassurance and security through unhelpful solutions to restore our self worth.
As Dreikurs observed, jealousy grows out of self-doubt—and then reinforces it, creating a painful loop. The more inadequate we feel, the more unhelpful manipulation we may use to engineer safety and security, the more provocative or suspicious we may become.
He also noted that jealousy looks different depending on personal insecurity. For some, it appears as fear of comparison or replacement; for others, it is tied to doubts about masculinity, femininity, or desirability. In each case, jealousy is driven and maintained by the partner’s unhelpful solutions and by the individual’s inner doubt and uncertainty.
When Jealousy Turns into a Weapon
Jealousy often begins as discouragement but can quickly become a justification for behaviours—accusations, hostility, emotional policing—that undermine the very connection the jealous partner seeks to protect.
At its healthiest, jealousy is an attempt to reconnect. At its most damaging, it transforms insecurity into aggression, violence, and destructive rage .
A more constructive approach is naming the underlying feeling directly:
“I’m feeling insecure and could use reassurance.”
This admission opens the door for reflecting on one’s vulnerability which can lead to closeness rather than conflict.
How These Patterns Are Connected
Dreikurs believed excuses, self-doubt, and jealousy all arise from discouragement. When discouraged, we may protect ourselves with excuses, retreat into self-doubt, or seek reassurance through jealousy.
These patterns are not signs of weakness—they are signals of emotional strain, unmet relational needs, and fears of rejection and abandonment at its core.
The Path Forward: Encouragement, Equality, and Honest Dialogue
Dreikurs emphasised three foundations for healthier relationships:
Encouragement – communicating “You matter, you’re capable, and we’re equals.”
Equality – reducing willpower struggles, comparison, and insecure behavioural patterns.
Simple, blame-free communication – being able to say “I made a mistake,” “I feel unsure,” or “I need closeness.”
Final Thoughts
Dreikurs believed marriages struggle not because people are broken, but because they become discouraged and don’t know how to address their fears and reconnect.
When couples understand the purpose behind their behaviours, transformation becomes possible. Excuses soften into honesty. Self-doubt gives way to confidence. Jealousy becomes vulnerability. And the relationship becomes a place where both partners feel secure, valued, and emotionally equal.
When a Partner’s Past Becomes a Barrier to Connection
As a couple’s therapist at Koira Psychology on the Gold Coast, I often work with couples who are struggling with a painful and confusing dynamic: one partner feels unable to accept the other’s past. This may involve a previous relationship, a mistake, or a chapter of life that doesn’t align with how they imagined their partner’s story should look.
What causes the deepest rupture is not always the past itself, but the collision between an idealised relationship and the reality of the one they are actually in. When this tension goes unspoken, it can quietly erode trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.
The Pain of Idealised Love
Consider Sarah and Derek, a couple who came to couples therapy feeling stuck and disconnected. Early in our work together, Derek shared that he was consumed by thoughts about Sarah’s previous relationship — one that had been intense, passionate, and turbulent.
“I just wish it never happened,” he said.
Beneath his words was an unspoken longing for a particular version of love — one where their relationship began pure and untouched, where he could feel uniquely chosen, without comparison or history. For Sarah, Derek’s struggle felt deeply personal. It seemed to suggest that parts of her life — and who she had become because of them — were unacceptable.
They were not arguing about the past alone. They were caught between fantasy and reality, each feeling unseen and misunderstood.
Why a Partner’s History Can Feel So Threatening
Most of us carry an internal image of what love should look like. Often, this image is shaped by our values, our fears, and our unmet emotional needs. Idealised love can feel safe, predictable, and morally clean — but it leaves little room for realistic humanity and complexity that life brings.
When a partner’s history disrupts that image, it can evoke powerful emotions such as:
● Fear of not being special or enough
● Fear of betrayal or comparison
● Shame or moral discomfort
● Grief for the relationship we imagined we would have or could have had
These reactions are rarely about judgment alone. More often, they are expressions of vulnerability and unspoken longing to live a life according to a fixed plan and without blemish.
Couples Therapy: Moving From Fantasy to Acceptance
In couples therapy at Koira Psychology, we don’t try to erase the past or force partners’ acceptance. Instead, we gently work to expand the idealised image of the relationship into something more realistic, compassionate, and emotionally durable.
This involves creating space for the underlying emotions that sustain the ideal — fear, grief, envy, anger, and longing — and helping each partner express them safely. As these feelings are understood rather than defended against, over time, something shifts.
The past begins to lose its power to divide and reduce its authority over the relationship.
Building Intimacy Through Shared Truth
When couples move beyond the demand for perfection, they often discover a deeper form of connection. One rooted not in fantasy, but in honesty, empathy, and mutual recognition. Acceptance does not mean approval of every past choice — it means acknowledging the full humanity of the person you love.
From this place, intimacy grows stronger. Partners learn to relate to each other not as idealised figures, but as real people — shaped by experience, capable of growth, and worthy of care.
Couples Therapy on the Gold Coast
At Koira Psychology, we support couples on the Gold Coast who are navigating trust, jealousy, past relationships, and emotional disconnection. Our approach to couples therapy is thoughtful, non-judgmental, and grounded in helping partners understand both themselves and each other more deeply.
If your relationship feels stuck between what you hoped for and what is real, couples therapy can help create a new way forward that honours truth, complexity, and connection.
How Couples Co-Create Conflict in Their Relationship
At Koira Psychology on the Gold Coast, we often see couples struggling with repeating patterns of conflict. Relationship problems are rarely caused by one person alone. Instead, they emerge from interactional cycles where both partners contribute—often unconsciously—to tension, misunderstandings, and emotional disconnection.
Conflict Lives in Patterns, Not Personalities
Most relationship issues are maintained by predictable patterns. One partner pursues or escalates, the other withdraws or defends, creating a cycle that reinforces itself. Each response makes sense in the moment, but together they fuel ongoing conflict and maintain disconnectedness. Understanding that conflict is co-created, not one-sided, is the first step toward change.
How Protection Turns into Conflict
Conflict often arises from attempts to protect oneself from emotional pain—fear, shame, or insecurity. Anger, withdrawal, or control are common responses that aim to feel safe but inadvertently trigger the partner’s defensiveness, leading to unproductive conversations and argumentative interactions. In this way, couples unintentionally co-create their own problems.
Why Escalation Is Mutual
Even when it feels one-sided, conflict requires participation from both partners. One escalates to reconnect or feel secure, while the other distances to regain safety. Both behaviours are understandable, and both contribute to the ongoing cycle of tension.
Responsibility Without Blame
At Koira Psychology, we guide couples to take responsibility for their role in patterns, without assigning blame. This means recognising your own responses, tolerating discomfort, and practicing new ways of connecting. Simple awareness and honest communication can shift patterns from conflict toward closeness.
Repairing Relationship Patterns
When couples understand how they co-create conflict, shame decreases and curiosity increases. The focus shifts from “who is wrong?” or “what is wrong with you?” to “what is happening between us?” With guidance, couples can reshape patterns, deepen connection, and create a relationship that feels safe, secure, and emotionally balanced.
Conflict is not a sign of failure—it is a signal that the relationship is asking for attention and growth. At Koira Psychology on the Gold Coast, we help couples learn to understand, repair, and strengthen their connection.
The Drama Triangle in Relationships
How the Roles of Rescuer, Perpetrator, and Victim Block Connection and Growth
One of the most common patterns I see in couples therapy is the drama triangle, described by Stephen Karpman. It’s a psychological dynamic where partners unconsciously slip into one of three roles: the rescuer, who tries to fix or save; the perpetrator, who criticises or controls; or the victim, who feels powerless or wronged. These roles can shift quickly, with yesterday’s rescuer becoming tomorrow’s victim. When enacted, the triangle keeps couples stuck in blame, defensiveness, and misunderstanding.
In couples therapy, this triangle often shows up subtly. One partner may arrive at a session exhausted, saying, “I do everything to make this relationship work,” unknowingly taking on the rescuer role. The other might respond, “You’re always trying to control me,” stepping into the victim position while casting their partner as perpetrator. Each person’s story may make sense in isolation, but together they form a loop of mutual reactivity, each role reinforcing and feeding the other.
Consider the fictional couple Sarah and Tom, who are wanting help to repair their relationship. Sarah often tried to “help” Tom open up emotionally, reminding him to talk about his feelings. Tom felt pressured and criticised, withdrawing further. When Sarah felt rejected, she saw herself as the victim of his coldness, while Tom, feeling blamed, saw her as the aggressor. Both were now trapped in the triangle. At this point therapy can stall because each could only see their own pain, not how they were co-creating this dysfunctional pattern.
The turning point comes in therapy when we slow things down and map the triangle together. Sarah recognised how her rescuing came from anxiety and a wish to feel close, while Tom saw how his withdrawal triggered the very disconnection she feared. As they learned to take responsibility for their roles, not in a blaming way, but with compassion, they could finally step out of the triangle.
Working through this pattern involves three key steps: awareness, ownership, and empathy. Awareness means recognising when we’ve slipped into one of the roles. Ownership involves acknowledging how our behaviour sustains the dynamic. And empathy grows when we see our partner not as perpetrator or victim, but as another human being struggling in the same dance.
When couples stop playing parts and start speaking from vulnerability rather than defence, therapy begins to work. The focus shifts from ‘who’s right’ to how both partners can create safety and understanding. Only then does real change and connection become possible.
Adler and the Art of Boundaries in Relationships
As a couple’s counsellor, I often see love confused with responsibility. Alfred Adler taught that healthy relationships depend on respecting each partner’s “tasks” - their own feelings, actions, and choices. When these blur, enmeshment occurs. Adler’s understanding reminds us that love thrives not in fusion, but in cooperation, two equals sharing life, not solving or fixing each other.
Alfred Adler and the Shared Work of Love: Boundaries, Tasks, and Healthy Connection
As a couple’s counsellor, I often find that many relationship problems are not born from a lack of love, but from confusion about responsibility, about where one person’s emotional work ends, and the others begins. Alfred Adler, one of the early pioneers of psychology and therapy, offers a useful framework for understanding and solving this problem.
Adler believed that mental health depends on how we engage with three core life tasks: work, friendship, and love. Each represents a domain of social responsibility, of how we contribute, connect, and care. In relationships, the task of love is not about merging into one another but about cooperating as equals in a shared life, while maintaining one’s own individuality.
From an Adlerian perspective, problems arise when partners confuse these boundaries. This is when care can turn into control, empathy into pitying, and support into intrusion. This blurring of personal “tasks” is what we often call enmeshment: when one partner takes over the emotional or practical responsibilities that naturally belongs to the other. While enmeshment can feel like closeness, it is often driven by anxiety, fear of rejection, and a need to control outcomes.
Consider a fictional couple, Emma and Daniel. Emma feels deeply anxious when Daniel seems withdrawn after work. Instead of giving him space to transition from work to home, she hovers — checking in repeatedly, offering advice, trying to “fix” his mood. Daniel, feeling suffocated, and retreats further. Both end up frustrated and disconnected from each other. From an Adlerian perspective, Emma has misread Daniel’s quietness as her problem to resolve. She has taken on his emotional task, his responsibility to manage his own feelings, while neglecting her own task of tolerating discomfort and trusting the relationship’s resilience. Daniel also avoids his own responsibility to communicate his needs clearly.
In therapy, helping Emma and Daniel distinguish ‘whose task is whose’ restores balance in the relationship. Emma learns that genuine care sometimes means stepping back, allowing Daniel to experience and regulate his own emotions and her as his partner supporting him by keeping herself regulated while waiting for him to reach out to her. When Emma does not take on the task of bringing him around, she does not interfere with his emotional regulation. Daniel, in turn, recognises that being distant is a way of avoiding emotional engagement, and that love requires cooperation, not withdrawal. When each partner reclaims their own task, intimacy becomes more authentic and less reactive.
Adler believed that each person must take responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. In a healthy relationship, each partner respects the autonomy of the other, while at the same time cooperating in shared goals. One partner cannot “make” the other happy; they can only create conditions that support happiness. When partners in a relationship accept this distinction, love becomes freer, less defensive, and more grounded in mutual respect.
Adler’s vision of love was profoundly egalitarian for its time: he saw it as a partnership of equals working toward common goals. Healthy boundaries are not barriers; they are the structure that allows cooperation without coercion, intimacy without loss of self.
When couples begin to see their relationship as a shared project, rather than a battlefield of unmet needs or blurred identities, compassion and connection increases. Each partner can finally do the one thing that makes love enduring: take full responsibility for their own tasks and trust their partner to do the same.
Rebuilding After the Storm: Navigating Infidelity in Marriage
As a couples therapist, few challenges bring more pain and confusion into my therapy room than infidelity. The word itself conjures images of shattered trust and broken promises. Yet, in the midst of this deeply personal crisis, there's often a path toward healing and, surprisingly for some, even a stronger, more authentic marriage.
Infidelity is more than just a physical act; it's a profound betrayal that rocks the very foundation of a relationship. It's a rupture in the unspoken contract of exclusivity, a violation of the safe space a couple has carefully built. The immediate aftermath is often characterised by intense emotions: shock, anger, disgust, grief, confusion, and overwhelming hurt for the betrayed partner, and often guilt, shame, and fear for the partner who strayed.
Many couples I see assume that infidelity is the death knell for their marriage. While it certainly presents a monumental challenge, it doesn't always have to be the end. In fact, for some, it becomes a painful catalyst for a deeper understanding of themselves, their partner, and the underlying dynamics that may have been quietly eroding their marriage.
The Roots of Betrayal: Beyond the Obvious
It’s tempting to oversimplify the causes of infidelity, blaming it solely on a lack of moral character or a sudden lapse in judgment. However, the reality is far more complex. While individual choices are always a factor, infidelity frequently emerges from a combination of unmet needs, unspoken resentments, emotion dysregulation, and a breakdown in communication.
Sometimes, the affair is a symptom of a deeper problem within the relationship. Perhaps one or both partners felt unheard, unappreciated, or emotionally distant. They might have been grappling with individual struggles, such as a mid-life crisis, depression, or unprocessed trauma in their past, that made them vulnerable to seeking comfort or validation elsewhere. It's crucial to understand that identifying these underlying issues is not about excusing the act of infidelity, but about understanding the fertile ground in which it grew.
The Road to Repair: Acknowledging, Understanding, Rebuilding Your Marriage
Healing from infidelity is a journey, not a destination, and it requires immense courage and commitment from both partners. Here are some of the ways that therapy can help facilitate this difficult, yet ultimately rewarding, process:
Creating a Safe Space for Expression
The immediate aftermath of discovery is often volatile. In therapy, I provide a neutral and safe environment where both partners can express their raw emotions without judgment or interruption. For the betrayed partner, this means giving voice to their pain, anger, and feelings of betrayal. For the unfaithful partner, it means taking full responsibility, expressing genuine remorse, and answering difficult questions with honesty and transparency. This initial period focuses on processing the immediate emotional fallout and laying the groundwork for honest dialogue.
Understanding the "Why"
Once the initial emotional storm begins to subside, we delve into the complex question of "why." This is not about assigning blame, but about understanding the vulnerabilities and unmet needs within the relationship that may have contributed to the affair. We explore individual histories, attachment styles, and patterns of communication. What was missing? What conversations weren't happening? This exploration can be uncomfortable, but it's essential for meaningful change. The goal is learn and not repeat our mistakes.
Rebuilding Trust: A Brick-by-Brick Process
Trust, once shattered, cannot be instantly restored. It's a painstaking, brick-by-brick process that requires consistent effort and transparency from the unfaithful partner.
Building trust often involves:
Full Disclosure: Answering questions honestly and completely, even when it's painful.
Transparency: Being open about whereabouts, communications, and activities.
Consistent Reliability: Following through on promises and demonstrating commitment to the relationship.
Patience and Empathy: Understanding that the betrayed partner will likely experience fluctuating emotions and doubts for an extended period.
Improving Communication
A critical component of healing is developing healthier communication patterns. Typically, infidelity occurs in marriages where partners have struggled to express their needs, desires, or concerns directly. Couples therapy teaches couples how to listen actively, express themselves assertively, and engage in constructive conflict resolution. This involves moving beyond accusations and defensiveness to truly hear and understand each other's perspectives.
Forgiveness (Eventually, and if desired)
Forgiveness is a deeply personal and often misunderstood concept. It doesn't mean condoning the actions of the unfaithful partner, nor does it mean forgetting the pain. Instead, it's about releasing the grip of hatred and resentment, allowing the betrayed partner to move forward from the pain. This can take a considerable amount of time and may not be a goal for all couples. The primary goal is healing the individual and the marriage, whether or not full forgiveness is achieved.
A New Chapter for your Marriage
While the pain of infidelity is undeniable, it does not have to be the end of a marriage. For many couples, with hard work, honest self-reflection, and the guidance of a couples therapist, it can become a profound opportunity for growth. Couples counselling can help you to confront uncomfortable truths, rebuild communication from the ground up, and ultimately, decide whether you are willing to fight for a new, stronger foundation built on renewed trust and a deeper understanding of each other. The journey is arduous, but the possibility of a more resilient and authentic relationship on the other side is the ultimate goal.
From Conflict to Connection: The Adlerian Path to Healthy Communication in Marriage
As a couples therapist, I fundamentally believe that the health of any relationship, especially a marriage, hinges on effective communication. Yet, what often brings couples into my office is not a lack of love, but a breakdown in the way they express that love and, more importantly, their frustrations.
Drawing from the principles of Adlerian therapy, as developed by Alfred Adler and refined by Rudolf Dreikurs, I view these communication struggles through the lens of social interest, mistaken goals, and the human need for belonging. Adlerian psychology suggests that all human behavior is purposeful, aimed at achieving significance and belonging within our social groups, starting with the family and the spousal relationship.
Understanding the Adlerian View of Relationship Conflict
In Adlerian theory, poor communication often stems from what Dreikurs termed "mistaken goals" or "misguided goals." When a partner feels discouraged or fears they do not belong, they may resort to four patterns of misbehavior, which manifest as damaging communication styles in a marriage:
Seeking Undue Attention: A partner constantly demands time, approval, or validation, often through excessive talking, nagging, or dramatic arguments. They are communicating: "I only count when you pay attention to me."
Seeking Power: Arguments become battles for control and dominance. The goal isn't resolution, but winning. They are communicating: "You can't make me do what you want."
Seeking Revenge: Feeling deeply hurt or unfairly treated, the partner attempts to hurt back. Communication is sharp, critical, and aimed at inflicting pain. They are communicating: "I am hurt, so I will hurt you."
Displaying Inadequacy: The partner withdraws, becoming passive or helpless, avoiding all meaningful communication and conflict. They are communicating: "Don't expect anything from me."
When couples engage in these cycles, trust erodes, and genuine connection and co-operation becomes impossible. Our work in couples counselling is to help partners identify the purpose of their hurtful behavior and redirect it toward constructive interaction.
Key Communication Skills for an Adlerian Marriage
The goal of Adlerian counselling is to increase social interest, the ability to look beyond self and contribute positively to the relationship and the broader community. This requires a shift from self-protection and control to cooperation and mutual respect.
Mutual Respect and "Catching" the Mistaken Goal
Before you can change the cycle, you must understand it. I encourage couples to become "detectives" of their own interactions.
Equal Standing: Adler emphasised that a strong relationship must be a horizontal one, meaning both partners have equal value and responsibility. When one partner is condescending or dismissive, it violates this equality and triggers a mistaken goal response from the other.
"Catching" the Goal: When you feel angry, defensive, or hurt by your partner's communication, pause and ask yourself: "What is my partner trying to accomplish with this behavior?" (Are they trying to get attention? Win a power struggle?). Recognizing the underlying goal allows you to respond to the need (for belonging), rather than the negative behavior (the fight).
The Power of Encouragement
Dreikurs taught that both children and adults need encouragement like a plant needs water. In a marriage, encouragement replaces criticism and blame.
Focus on Contribution: Instead of focusing on faults, acknowledge and appreciate your partner's efforts and contributions to the relationship and family. Use specific statements like: "I really appreciated you making the time for our walk today; it made me feel connected," instead of vague praise.
Courage to be Imperfect: Communication should create an environment where both partners feel safe enough to be imperfect. When a mistake is made, encourage the effort, and focus on collaborative problem-solving rather than fault-finding.
Joint Decision-Making and Logical Consequences
Effective communication is ultimately about collaboration, not coercion.
Democratic Process: Couples must learn to make decisions together, often through a family or couple meeting where concerns are raised respectfully and solutions are brainstormed as a team. This builds trust because both partners know their voice is heard.
Logical Consequences: Instead of punishment or yelling (which fuels power struggles), partners learn to discuss the natural, logical consequences of their actions. For example, the logical consequence of avoiding bill-paying (communication of inadequacy) is late fees, which the couple addresses jointly, rather than one partner scolding the other.
Rebuilding Trust Through Consistent Communication
Rebuilding trust after a major relational event or even years of poor communication is achieved through consistent, daily demonstrations of mutual respect and social interest. When couples learn to speak to each other from a place of respect and genuine concern for the other's well-being, the power struggles cease.
In relationship counselling, we focus on transforming destructive cycles into constructive ones, ensuring that every interaction, even conflict, reinforces the fundamental truth that both partners matter, belong, and are capable of working together for a happier marriage. This shift from discouragement to encouragement is the cornerstone of healing and lasting relational success.
Rudolf Dreikurs: Democracy, Encouragement, and the Shared Tasks of Marriage
As a couples therapist, I constantly witness the shift in perspective required for a marriage to thrive. Many couples start therapy feeling trapped in a vicious cycle of blame, convinced that their partner is the cause and sole source of their problems. This is where the wisdom of Rudolf Dreikurs, a key figure in Adlerian psychology, offers a profoundly liberating and practical perspective.
Dreikurs insisted that marriage is never a fairy tale of seamless harmony, nor is it a power struggle to be "won." Instead, he viewed it as a partnership between two social equals working toward a common goal: mutual satisfaction and cooperation.
Every Problem is a Common Task
The single most powerful idea Dreikurs contributes to couples therapy is this: Every problem confronting a couple is a common task demanding mutual effort.
When a couple argues about money, sex, chores, or in-laws, they are not failing as individuals; they are simply failing to agree on seeing the problem for what it is and how to address a shared task. The problem is not the persons; the problem is the method of cooperation.
For example;
The Problem: The laundry isn't getting done.
The Common Task: Maintaining a clean and functioning household. (Running out of clean clothes and having sweaty clothing piling up is a problem for the household).
Dreikurs's Insight: Instead of asking, "Why are you so lazy?" (blame), the couple must ask, "How can we arrange our schedule and responsibilities to achieve our goal of clean clothes?" (cooperation).
This perspective immediately removes the focus from character assassination and places it squarely on cooperation and creative problem-solving. It acknowledges that both partners contribute to the atmosphere of the relationship, and therefore, both must contribute to the solution.
Democracy in Action
Dreikurs saw modern marriage as an expression of the modern democratic ideal. The equality of partners today replaces the outdated, autocratic model where one spouse (historically the husband) held dominance. When this equality (equally responsible and equally accountable) is ignored, couples inevitably descend into what he called "mistaken goals":
Seeking Undue Attention: Arguments driven by a need to be noticed or catered to.
Struggling for Power: The most common dynamic, where both partners feel they must dominate the other to feel secure. This is why many arguments turn into a stubborn, cyclical deadlock.
Seeking Revenge: When a partner feels deeply hurt, they lash out to hurt the other, escalating the conflict in order to feel even again.
Displaying Inadequacy: Withdrawing and giving up to mask a fear of failure or criticism.
As a relationship therapist using Dreikurs's insights, I help couples identify these mistaken goals hidden beneath their anger, sadness, and despair. By understanding that their fight isn't about the dishes, but about a struggle about fear and insecurity, we can reframe the conflict. The goal is no longer to get the upper hand, but to find a way for both partners to feel equally respected and capable—the true common task of a healthy, democratic marriage.
Encouragement and Mutual Respect
Dreikurs also stressed that the foundational tool for cooperation in marriage is encouragement. Criticism, fault-finding, and blame destroy self-esteem and push a partner toward one of the mistaken goals. Encouragement, however, focuses on:
Acknowledging Effort: Recognizing what the partner has done to addressing the joint task at hand thus far, not just what they've failed to do.
Accepting Imperfection: Understanding that mistakes are part of learning the common tasks.
Focusing on Contribution: Highlighting the partner's positive contributions to the relationship and family.
Marriage is a continuous process of learning to navigate common tasks with mutual respect. It requires partners to stop fighting for personal advantage and start working together for the success of the shared enterprise. It’s the shift from "My way or the highway" to "How do we get there together?”
If you need help with navigating ruptures and repairs in your relationship, Couples Therapy may be the answer.
Reconnecting After the Storm: Using Jane Hurley's Feedback Wheel for Relationship Repair
As a relationship psychologist, I frequently work with couples navigating the inevitable ruptures that occur in any long-term relationship. While conflict and disconnection are normal, the ability to repair these ruptures is the foundation of a secure, resilient partnership. One of the most effective tools I recommend for this process is Jane Hurley's Feedback Wheel. This structured, empathic approach moves couples beyond blame and defensiveness toward mutual understanding and healing.
What is Jane Hurley's Feedback Wheel?
The Feedback Wheel is a communication framework designed to help partners deliver and receive difficult or corrective feedback in a way that fosters connection rather than escalating conflict. It shifts the focus from "who's right" to "what happened" and "how we can reconnect." The Wheel guides the partner initiating the repair through four distinct, sequential steps, ensuring the message is delivered in a digestible and constructive manner.
The Four Steps to Healing a Rupture in Your Relationship
For a couple to effectively use the Wheel, the partner who was hurt or impacted by the rupture (the Giver) delivers the feedback, and the partner who caused the rupture (the Receiver) listens non-defensively.
1. Observation (The "What I Saw/Heard")
This step grounds the feedback in objective, verifiable facts. It's crucial to state exactly what happened without interpretation, judgment, or mind-reading. This sets a neutral foundation, making the Receiver less likely to feel attacked.
Example: Instead of: "You always ignore me," try: "When I started talking about my day, you picked up your phone and began scrolling."
2. Feelings (The "How I Felt")
Here, the Giver shares their internal emotional experience triggered by the observation. This is not a time for blame ("You made me feel..."), but for owning one's emotions using "I" statements. Sharing vulnerability invites empathy from the Receiver.
Example: Instead of: "I felt unimportant," try: "I felt a wave of sadness and hurt when I saw you look at your phone."
3. Needs (The "What I Needed/Wanted")
The Giver articulates the underlying need that was unmet by the rupture. This is a powerful step because it clarifies the goal of the feedback—it's about a need for connection, respect, or security, not just a complaint. This transforms the message from a grievance into a heartfelt request.
Example: Instead of: "I needed you to put your phone down," try: "I need to feel like I have your full attention and that what I'm sharing matters to you, especially after a long day."
4. Future (The "What I Request Going Forward")
This final step focuses on solution and repair. The Giver makes a specific, actionable request for a change in future behaviour. This gives the Receiver a clear roadmap for success and demonstrates the Giver's investment in moving forward.
Example: Instead of: "Be more present," try: "Next time I start sharing about my work day, could you please pause what you're doing, put your phone down, and make eye contact for the first few minutes?"
The Role of the Receiver: Active Listening and Repair
The Giver's use of the Wheel sets the stage, but the Receiver's response is what determines successful repair. Their primary task is active listening without interrupting or defending.
Once the Giver has completed all four steps, the Receiver must:
Validate: Summarize what they heard to ensure accuracy and demonstrate understanding. ("What I hear is that when I picked up my phone, you felt hurt because you need my undivided attention. Is that right?")
Take Responsibility: Acknowledge their contribution to the pain, without making excuses. ("I can see now how my action hurt you. I'm sorry. That wasn't my intention.")
Commit to the Request: Agree to the future request or collaboratively negotiate an acceptable alternative. ("Yes, I can absolutely commit to putting my phone away when we transition after work.")
Why the Wheel Works for Rupture Repair in Your Relationship
The Feedback Wheel is more than just a template for communication; it's a therapeutic intervention because it:
Slows Down the Conversation: It prevents the conversation from devolving into a reactive fight by enforcing a structured, turn-taking approach.
Focuses on Process, Not Person: By starting with a factual "Observation" and ending with a "Future" request, the feedback remains centred on a specific behaviour and the desired outcome, rather than attacking the partner's character.
Increases Empathy: The "Feelings" and "Needs" steps give the Receiver access to the Giver's inner world, making it easier for them to feel empathy and understand the impact of their actions, fostering genuine remorse and a desire to repair.
Using the Feedback Wheel requires practice and commitment, but it is an invaluable tool for transforming conflict into closeness. It teaches couples that ruptures are not endpoints, but rather opportunities for deeper understanding and a more secure, loving reconnection.
If you need help with navigating ruptures and repairs in your relationship, Couples Therapy may be the answer.
Unblurring the Lines: From Enmeshment to Healthy Family Closeness
As a couples therapist, one of the most common and subtle forms of relationship dysfunction I encounter is enmeshment. It is often mistaken for closeness or deep family loyalty, but Dr. Patricia Love, through her work on families and relationships has clearly illuminated the difference between enmeshment and healthy family belonging.
Enmeshment, in essence, is a blurring of boundaries where the emotional lives of individuals become so intertwined that their distinct sense of self is suffocated. This dynamic, which often originates from the parent/carer child relationship where a child's needs, feelings, or choices are subjugated to meet a parent's unresolved emotional deficits, can severely impair an adult's capacity for independence and authentic intimacy.
The core of the work in therapy when working with enmeshment is helping individuals differentiate themselves and move toward a truly healthy family system.
Self-Identity, Autonomy, and Emeshment in Relationships
Here are the key differences in how identity and independence are managed:
In an Enmeshed Family:
Identity is Shared: Individuals struggle to articulate their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, often mirroring the family's "party line."
Decisions are Group-Controlled: Major life choices (career, partner, location) are heavily influenced or even dictated by the expectation of the family unit.
Fear of Independence: Separation is viewed as a betrayal or abandonment, often triggering guilt-trips and emotional manipulation from the parent.
In a Healthy Family:
Identity is Distinct: Individuality is not just tolerated, but encouraged. Members have a strong sense of self (differentiation) while still feeling connected.
Decisions are Individual: Adult children are supported in making their own choices, mistakes, and learning from them, with parental support offered without control.
Celebration of Independence: Separation and individuation are seen as a healthy, natural, and necessary part of adult development.
In an enmeshed system, one's self-worth becomes entirely contingent upon meeting the family's (often the parent's) approval. The move toward autonomy is experienced as an existential threat to the parent, who may have made the child their primary emotional source.
Boundaries, Emotional Regulation, and Emeshment in Relationships
The distinction in boundaries and emotional management is also sharp:
In an Enmeshed Family:
Boundaries are Non-existent: Privacy is minimal. Parents may overshare inappropriate emotional or marital details with the child, or demand access to the adult child's private life.
Emotional Fusion: Members absorb one another's moods. If a parent is upset, the adult child feels personally responsible for fixing that emotion, leading to high anxiety.
Guilt as the Glue: Guilt and obligation are the primary motivators for compliance ("After everything I've done for you...").
In a Healthy Family:
Boundaries are Clear and Respected: There is a clear distinction between the parent/child roles, and the privacy of all members is honored.
Emotional Support without Responsibility: Members offer empathy and support, but each individual is ultimately responsible for managing their own emotional state (self-soothing).
Love as the Glue: Connection is rooted in unconditional love and mutual respect, not fear of reprisal or emotional abandonment.
In healthy families, support is freely given; in enmeshed families, it is a debt that must be repaid through eternal emotional availability and compliance.
The Path to Healthy Closeness with Your Partner
Healing from an enmeshed dynamic requires courage and a committed effort to differentiate yourself—to develop a "self" that is separate and whole. This is not about cutting off your family, but about establishing clear, non-negotiable boundaries that allow for both love and independence.
Stop Jousting with Guilt: Recognize emotional manipulation (guilt, victimhood) as a symptom of their fear, not a reflection of your selfishness. The most loving thing you can do for yourself, and ultimately your family, is to choose health over harmony.
Practice Assertiveness (Saying "No"): Start small. Say "no" to a minor request and practice tolerating the immediate discomfort or emotional fallout. This builds your self-efficacy and teaches the other party where your boundaries truly lie.
Find External Support: An enmeshed parent may unconsciously discourage other friendships or interests. Deliberately invest time and energy into relationships outside the family system. This provides the emotional diversification necessary to stop over-relying on the family for all validation.
True closeness flourishes when there is enough space for everyone to be their authentic self. You can be deeply connected to your family without losing yourself in the process.
If you need help with enmeshment in your relationships, Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy with Jerodine may be helpful.
Unblurring the Lines: From Enmeshment to Healthy Family Closeness
As a psychologist, one of the most common and subtle forms of relationship dysfunction I encounter is enmeshment. It is often mistaken for closeness or deep family loyalty, but Dr. Patricia Love, through her work on families and relationships has clearly illuminated the painful difference between enmeshment and healthy family cohesion.
Enmeshment, in essence, is a blurring of boundaries where the emotional lives of individuals become so intertwined that their distinct sense of self is suffocated. This dynamic—which often originates from the parent/carer child relationship where a child's needs, feelings, or choices are subjugated to meet a parent's unresolved emotional deficits—can severely impair an adult's capacity for independence and authentic intimacy.
The core of the work in therapy is helping individuals differentiate themselves and move toward a truly healthy family system.
1. Self-Identity and Autonomy
Here are the key differences in how identity and independence are managed:
In an Enmeshed Family:
Identity is Shared: Individuals struggle to articulate their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, often mirroring the family's "party line."
Decisions are Group-Controlled: Major life choices (career, partner, location) are heavily influenced or even dictated by the expectation of the family unit.
Fear of Independence: Separation is viewed as a betrayal or abandonment, often triggering guilt-trips and emotional manipulation from the parent.
In a Healthy Family:
Identity is Distinct: Individuality is not just tolerated, but encouraged. Members have a strong sense of self (differentiation) while still feeling connected.
Decisions are Individual: Adult children are supported in making their own choices, mistakes, and learning from them, with parental support offered without control.
Celebration of Independence: Separation and individuation are seen as a healthy, natural, and necessary part of adult development.
In an enmeshed system, one's self-worth becomes entirely contingent upon meeting the family's (often the parent's) approval. The move toward autonomy is experienced as an existential threat to the parent, who may have made the child their primary emotional source.
2. Boundaries and Emotional Regulation
The distinction in boundaries and emotional management is also sharp:
In an Enmeshed Family:
Boundaries are Non-existent: Privacy is minimal. Parents may overshare inappropriate emotional or marital details with the child, or demand access to the adult child's private life.
Emotional Fusion: Members absorb one another's moods. If a parent is upset, the adult child feels personally responsible for fixing that emotion, leading to high anxiety.
Guilt as the Glue: Guilt and obligation are the primary motivators for compliance ("After everything I've done for you...").
In a Healthy Family:
Boundaries are Clear and Respected: There is a clear distinction between the parent/child roles, and the privacy of all members is honored.
Emotional Support without Responsibility: Members offer empathy and support, but each individual is ultimately responsible for managing their own emotional state (self-soothing).
Love as the Glue: Connection is rooted in unconditional love and mutual respect, not fear of reprisal or emotional abandonment.
In healthy families, support is freely given; in enmeshed families, it is a debt that must be repaid through eternal emotional availability and compliance.
The Path to Healthy Closeness
Healing from an enmeshed dynamic requires courage and a committed effort to differentiate yourself—to develop a "self" that is separate and whole. This is not about cutting off your family, but about establishing clear, non-negotiable boundaries that allow for both love and independence.
Stop Jousting with Guilt: Recognize emotional manipulation (guilt, victimhood) as a symptom of their fear, not a reflection of your selfishness. The most loving thing you can do for yourself, and ultimately your family, is to choose health over harmony.
Practice Assertiveness (Saying "No"): Start small. Say "no" to a minor request and practice tolerating the immediate discomfort or emotional fallout. This builds your self-efficacy and teaches the other party where your boundaries truly lie.
Find External Support: An enmeshed parent may unconsciously discourage other friendships or interests. Deliberately invest time and energy into relationships outside the family system. This provides the emotional diversification necessary to stop over-relying on the family for all validation.
True closeness flourishes when there is enough space for everyone to be their authentic self. You can be deeply connected to your family without losing yourself in the process.
Mastering the Art: Applying Erich Fromm's Blueprint for Mature Love in Modern Relationships
As a clinical psychologist, I often see couples whose distress stems from a fundamental misunderstanding of what love actually is. They've been sold a fantasy—the Hollywood ideal of "falling in love," a euphoric, passive experience. But as the psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wisely stated over half a century ago, "Love is an art." And like any art, it requires knowledge and effort.
In my practice, I find Fromm's work, particularly The Art of Loving, to be an indispensable blueprint for shifting from a destructive, immature love to a fulfilling, mature one. The core of his theory challenges the pervasive notion that love is an object to be found or a pleasant feeling that happens to you. Instead, it is an active power and a practice—a way of being that seeks to overcome the isolation inherent in the human condition.
The Four Pillars of Active Love
Fromm breaks down the complex art of loving into four essential, interlinked components that must be actively present in a healthy relationship. For a therapist, these provide concrete areas for couples to focus their effort and discipline.
1. Care (The Labor of Love)
Care is the active concern for the life and growth of the person we love. It is the visible proof that love is a verb. In therapy, this means moving beyond verbal assurances and addressing the shared labor of the relationship. Does a partner care for the other's well-being, their rest, their environment, and their mental space? This manifests in the mundane: the thoughtful gesture, the equitable division of chores, or the consistent prioritization of the partner's needs alongside one's own. When care is absent, love is merely sentimental.
2. Responsibility (Answering the Call)
Responsibility, for Fromm, is not a duty or a burden, but a voluntary act. It is the willingness to "answer" when the other person needs a response, both physically and psychologically. This requires couples to be attuned to each other—to recognize and respond to the unexpressed needs. If your partner is withdrawing, responsibility means asking, "What is going on for you?" and accepting their emotional state as something you are willing to engage with, not something you feel entitled to ignore.
3. Respect (The Absence of Exploitation)
Perhaps the most crucial, and often violated, pillar is Respect. This is the ability to see a person as they are, to acknowledge their unique individuality and to desire their growth for their own sake, not to serve one's own needs.
Clinical Application: Many relationships devolve into an attempt to change the partner into an idealized version. True respect means honoring your partner's separate personhood. They are not a possession, nor are they an extension of your ego. When respect is present, there is no urge to dominate, control, or exploit the other's vulnerabilities.
4. Knowledge (Seeing Beyond the Surface)
Knowledge is the final component, as care, responsibility, and respect would be "blind" without it. This means moving beyond the superficial acquaintance of the partner and striving for a deep understanding of their inner world. This is not the clinical knowledge of an analyst, but the knowledge gained through mutual vulnerability and deep listening.
Therapeutic Goal: I often guide couples to practice "intentional knowledge-seeking." This involves curiosity, asking open-ended questions, and reserving judgment to truly see the other person's hopes, fears, and unique life story—recognizing the profound difference between the idea of your partner and the reality of who they are.
Love as a Union of Separate Selves
The paradoxical beauty of Fromm’s concept is that love is a union under the condition of preserving one's integrity. The deepest desire for human connection—to overcome separateness—can only be successfully achieved by two independent individuals.
This means self-love is foundational. The individual who is capable of loving is the one who has developed their own personality and overcome their narcissism. If you rely on your partner to complete you, you are not engaging in mature love; you are indulging in a form of symbiotic attachment that will eventually suffocate the relationship.
In essence, Fromm teaches us that to have a healthy relationship, you must first master yourself. Love is not a sudden magic, but a demanding, lifelong discipline that requires patience, courage, and an unwavering belief that the growth of both yourself and your partner is the most important pursuit in life. It's a choice you make every single day.
The Erotic Equation: Esther Perel on Intimacy and the Need for Distance
Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel has challenged conventional wisdom about love and desire in long-term relationships, positing a compelling paradox: the very ingredients that foster intimacy—security, familiarity, and closeness—can often be the same factors that kill desire, which thrives on mystery, novelty, and a sense of distance.
Perel's core argument, notably articulated in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, is that modern relationships struggle to reconcile two fundamental and often conflicting human needs: the need for security and the need for freedom or surprise.
The Paradox of Desire and Intimacy
Intimacy is built on closeness, knowledge, and trust. We want our partners to be our best friends, confidants, and emotional anchors. This profound connection is essential for a stable, loving relationship. However, Perel suggests that desire requires a degree of distance, a space between two people where the imagination can roam and the partner remains, in some sense, a mystery.
Intimacy as Home: Intimacy provides a feeling of being home—safe, known, and loved unconditionally. This is a place of comfort and belonging.
Desire as Adventure: Desire, by contrast, is an impulse for adventure and transcendence. It's fueled by what is unknown or elusive. Perel argues that we cannot desire what we already possess completely; desire requires a degree of otherness in the loved one.
The tension arises because, for many, the safety of love often eclipses the vitality of desire. When a partner becomes too familiar—when there are no boundaries, no independent worlds, and no room for the unexpected—the erotic spark can fade, replaced by a comfortable but ultimately de-eroticized bond.
Cultivating the Erotic Space
To sustain desire, Perel advises couples to deliberately cultivate this necessary distance, or "erotic space," within the relationship. This doesn't mean emotional withdrawal or neglect; rather, it means nurturing the independent, sovereign self of both partners.
Embrace Independence: Partners need to maintain separate interests, friendships, and pursuits that allow them to be seen by their loved one in a state of radiance—passionate and in their element. When we see our partner thriving autonomously, they become momentarily elusive and, therefore, more desirable.
Reintroduce Mystery: A long-term partner is not a problem to be solved or a known entity to be controlled. Perel encourages couples to foster curiosity about the person they thought they knew. A little privacy—maintaining a small, unshared inner world—helps sustain the mystery that fuels longing.
Shift Modes: The mode of caring (giving, nurturing, being responsible) is often the antithesis of the mode of desire (taking, longing, being playful). Successful couples learn to consciously switch between the two. When in the erotic space, they temporarily let go of the managerial, responsible self that governs the daily domestic life.
Intentionality: Desire isn't something that spontaneously falls from the sky; it is often premeditated, intentional, and willed. Couples who sustain desire know how to "resurrect" it by being intentional about creating moments of playfulness, fantasy, and mutual reach.
Ultimately, Perel’s theory offers a hopeful path for couples struggling with the decline of passion. It suggests that sustaining desire requires accepting the paradox: love seeks closeness, but desire needs space. By honoring both the need for connection and the need for a separate self, couples can keep their relationship both safe and alive.
Shifting the Paradigm: From "You vs. Me" to "Us" in Relational Health
In my work as a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, I’ve observed countless couples trapped in a painful, repetitive dance of conflict and disconnection. They view their relationship as a zero-sum game, where one person must be right, and the other must be wrong. This is the essence of what renowned family therapist Terence Real calls "You and Me" consciousness—an individualistic, adversarial approach that poisons intimacy.
Real's therapeutic breakthrough lies in guiding couples to shift from this damaging "You and Me" mindset to an "Us" consciousness. This is not just a semantic trick; it is a fundamental shift in relational philosophy that sees the couple as a team whose well-being is greater than the sum of their parts. If one person loses, the "Us" loses, and both ultimately suffer. This ecological view of relationship health is the key to achieving what Real terms fierce intimacy.
1. The Myth of the Individualist at Home
Real rightly challenges the cultural fiction of the "rugged individual" in the context of intimate relationships. The idea that we are entirely self-sufficient, that we should prioritize our personal needs above the needs of the relationship, is a recipe for disaster.
The Problem with "Being Right": The most common "You and Me" trap is right-fighting. When we're arguing about who is factually correct, we’ve entirely lost the plot. Real insists that in intimate relationships, objective reality doesn't matter; what matters is the negotiation between two separate, valid subjective realities. Your goal shouldn't be to win the point, but to heal the rupture.
Coregulation, Not Self-Regulation: Neurobiologically, Real argues, humans are wired for co-regulation. We stabilize our nervous systems through each other. When you retreat into an isolated, defensive "You and Me" stance, you actively disrupt your partner's—and your own—nervous system, perpetuating a cycle of anxiety and distance. The "Us" recognizes that connection is a biological imperative.
2. Identifying and Managing the "Adaptive Child"
When conflict strikes, we often "flip our lid," as Dan Siegel would say, and the mature, thoughtful part of our brain goes offline. In that moment, the relationship is hijacked by what Real calls the Adaptive Child—a younger, wounded part of ourselves that is reacting to the present through the prism of the past. This is where the five "Losing Strategies" emerge:
Adaptive Child (You & Me) Wise Adult (Us)
Being Right Listening for the Subjective Experience
Controlling the partner Asserting needs with Soft Power
Retaliation Repair and accountability
Unbridled Self-Expression Contained and intentional feedback
Withdrawal Taking a Time-Out with a plan for return
The key therapeutic move is to teach couples to ask: "Which part of me is talking right now?" The Adaptive Child prioritizes self-protection; only the Wise Adult is interested in true intimacy.
3. Activating "Us" Consciousness: The Skillset of Repair
Shifting to "Us" is not about being a doormat; it requires relational heroism—choosing a new path when every instinct screams for the old, destructive one. The goal is to develop a robust skillset of repair.
Remember Love: When triggered, the first, most crucial step is to pause and intentionally bring the relationship to mind. Remember that this person is your cherished partner, not your enemy.
Practice Soft Power: This is the relational language of the Wise Adult. It means asserting your needs firmly and lovingly in the same breath. Instead of, "You always interrupt me!" (a hostile "You and Me" attack), use Soft Power: "Sweetheart, I want to hear what you have to say, but I'm losing my train of thought. Could you please let me finish, then I'll be all yours?"
Assume the Best Intent: The "You and Me" mindset assumes malice or defect (e.g., "You did that to hurt me"). The "Us" mindset gives the benefit of the doubt, asking, "What was my partner's positive intention behind that clumsy action?"
Prioritize Generous Listening: When your partner is speaking from hurt, your only job is to cross the bridge into their subjective world and validate their experience. Not their facts, but their feelings. "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I love you, and I don't want you to feel bad." This is the ultimate "Us" move; it restores connection, and connection precedes problem-solving.
In essence, the ultimate relational victory is when you both look at the problem—the conflict, the rupture, the unmet need—and say: "It's not you versus me; it's you and me versus this problem." That shift is where the real intimacy, and the real healing, begins.
Love as a Practice: A Couples Therapist’s take on Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving
As a couple’s therapist, I often meet partners who come into my office with the same question, though they phrase it in different ways: “Why does love feel so hard?” or “Why can’t we just go back to how it used to be?” These questions reflect a common misconception that love is something that simply happens to us, a magical feeling that either exists or doesn’t. But what if love isn’t a feeling at all, but a skill?
That’s the premise of Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving. First published in 1956, Fromm’s book remains one of the most profound psychological and philosophical explorations of love. And in my work with couples, it’s one of the most useful.
Love is a Skill, not a State
Fromm’s central understanding is that love is not merely a passive emotion, but an art; something that requires knowledge, effort, and practice. Just as one would not expect to play the violin or paint a masterpiece without study and discipline, Fromm argues that we cannot expect to love well without first learning how.
In therapy, I often see couples who believe that if they have to “work” at their relationship, something must be wrong. Fromm flips that idea on its head. He writes, “Love is an activity, not a passive affect; it is a ‘standing in,’ not a ‘falling for.’” This shift in mindset from love as a noun to love as a verb can be transformative.
Mature Love: Standing Together Without Losing the Self
Another of Fromm’s contributions to relationship therapy is his distinction between immature and mature love. Immature love says, “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says, “I need you because I love you.” In other words, mature love is rooted in freedom of the choice to love, not dependency.
In couples therapy, I often help partners untangle the difference between connection and enmeshment. Fromm’s vision of love is one where each partner maintains their individuality while choosing to unite. This is not always easy, especially in a culture that romanticises merging with another person. But it’s essential for long-term intimacy.
Love Requires Discipline, Patience, and Faith
Fromm outlines four essential elements of the art of loving: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. These aren’t just feelings, they are actions. They require discipline, patience, and faith. Not faith in a religious sense, but faith in the process of love itself.
When couples struggle, it’s often because they’ve stopped practicing these elements. They may still “feel” love, but they’ve stopped showing it. Fromm reminds us that love is not a constant state of bliss but a deliberate daily practice. And like any practice, it has its highs and lows.
Applying Fromm’s Wisdom in Therapy
Here are some of the ways I integrate Fromm’s ideas into my work with couples:
● Reframing conflict: Instead of seeing arguments as signs of incompatibility, I help couples view them as opportunities to practice perspective-taking, care and respect.
● Building emotional literacy: Fromm emphasises the importance of knowledge, not just of the other, but of the self. I guide partners in understanding their own emotional patterns and triggers.
● Encouraging intentionality: Love doesn’t thrive on autopilot. I encourage couples to create rituals of connection, through daily check-ins, gratitude practices, or shared goals, that keep love active.
Love as a Lifelong Art
Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving is not a how-to manual for romance. It’s a philosophical invitation to take love seriously, not as a fleeting emotion, but as a lifelong discipline. For couples willing to embrace this mindset, the rewards are profound: deeper intimacy, greater resilience, and a love that grows not by chance, but by choice.
If you’re in a relationship and wondering how to make it stronger, I invite you to stop asking, “Do we still love each other?” and start asking, “How are we practicing love today?”
Maintaining Intimacy and Attraction in Marriage: The Paradox of Desire
In long-term relationships, couples often come to therapy wondering why love and desire, once inseparable, now feel at odds. They still care deeply for each other, but the spark has faded. As Esther Perel insightfully explores in Mating in Captivity, the very elements that make us feel safe and secure in love, such as closeness, predictability, and routine, are the same forces that can dull erotic desire.
Perel believes that love seeks to close the distance between partners, while desire requires space to emerge. When couples become enmeshed, sharing everything, doing everything together, knowing each other completely, the mystery that fuels attraction evaporates. Desire thrives not in total fusion, but in the presence of separateness, curiosity, and the unknown.
This highlights a unique challenge for couples raising children. The caregiving roles that strengthen family bonds can inadvertently desexualize a relationship. When one partner becomes primarily associated with nurturing, responsibility, and maternal energy, the other may unconsciously struggle to see them as an erotic being. The caregiving identity, while deeply loving, can overshadow the erotic one. In therapy, we often explore how partners can consciously shift between these roles, of parent and lover, so that intimacy remains emotionally safe yet erotically alive.
Consider a hypothetical couple, Alex and Jordan. After years together and two young children, they describe their relationship as “comfortable but flat.” Their days revolve around routines, childcare, and domestic logistics. In counselling, they begin exploring how to reintroduce individuality and playfulness into their relationship. Alex joins a photography group, while Jordan takes a dance class with friends. They also begin setting aside time intentionally as lovers, not just co-parents. They make time for conversations about themselves as well as their roles as parents. As they nurture separate parts of themselves, they start to see each other anew, Alex admires Jordan’s confidence, and Jordan feels drawn to Alex’s creative energy.
Maintaining attraction in marriage is less about doing more together and more about learning to see each other again. Intimacy grows through connection; desire grows through partners nurturing their curiosity of themselves and or each other. When couples learn to hold both, the safety of love and the mystery of individuality, they rediscover the erotic energy that once brought them together.