In Couples Therapy, we often see couples struggling with the idea that love should be effortless. But Erich Fromm’s book The Art of Loving teaches us that love is not just a feeling, it’s a skill we must learn and practice. By embracing care, respect, and intentionality, partners can build deeper intimacy and connection.

Many couples unknowingly become trapped in the ‘drama triangle’, shifting between the roles of rescuer, perpetrator, and victim. Each role reinforces the other, creating cycles of blame, defensiveness, and disconnection. In couples therapy, this dynamic blocks progress in therapy because partners focus on who’s right rather than how they relate.

In the context of couples counselling, a recurring dynamic is the confusion of love with responsibility. When partners merge their emotional and practical obligations, the relationship often suffers from enmeshment, replacing authentic connection with a structure driven by anxiety and control.

Often we don’t just fall in love with a person. We also fall in love with a possibility. An imagined version of the relationship where the other person naturally aligns with their values, hobbies, communication style, emotional expression, and life priorities. Over time, this imagined partner can become more vivid than the real one sitting across from them.

The difficulty is that real people do not exist inside our expectations.

As a couples therapist, one of the most common and subtle forms of relationship dysfunction I encounter is enmeshment. It is often mistaken for closeness or deep family loyalty, but Dr. Patricia Love, through her work on families and relationships has clearly illuminated the difference between enmeshment and healthy family belonging.

The core of the work in therapy when working with enmeshment is helping individuals differentiate themselves and move toward a truly healthy family system.

Understanding attachment theory is pivotal in my work as a couples therapist, as it provides a framework for comprehending the dynamics between partners. A secure attachment promotes healthy, balanced relationships characterised by trust and effective communication. In contrast, anxious attachment often manifests as clinginess and a constant need for reassurance, which can strain the partnership.

As a relationship psychologist, I often meet couples who genuinely love one another yet struggle to maintain closeness, understanding, and connection. Many arrive hoping to discover the secret that will make love easier. They want better communication techniques, more compatibility, or fewer conflicts. While these things can help, the social psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm offered a different perspective.

In some traditional German wedding celebrations, there is a custom known as Baumstamm sägen (log sawing), where a newly married couple work together to saw through a large log using a long two-person saw. It may appear to be a playful or symbolic tradition, but it reflects something important about relationships that past generations seemed to understand well: life is difficult, and couples survive hardship best when they learn to work together.

As a couples therapist, I often see partners become frustrated because they cannot understand why the same conflicts keep repeating. They may learn communication skills, practice active listening, and genuinely want a better relationship, yet somehow find themselves arguing, falling into familiar patterns of criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or resentment.

Reading about attachment theory, communication styles, or conflict cycles can give couples valuable insight into what might be happening. But it does not always reveal how it is happening between you and your partner in real time.

Love does not require complete knowledge of another person. In many ways, love involves accepting that there will always be parts of each other that remain unfinished, mysterious, contradictory, and partly unknowable. Real intimacy is not built upon perfectly solving another person, but upon continuing to meet them with care, openness, and a willingness to keep discovering who they are becoming over time.

Psychoanalyst and philosopher Erich Fromm, in his influential book The Art of Loving, argued that love is not simply a feeling that happens to us, but an active practice that requires maturity, effort, awareness, and discipline. From a Couples Therapy perspective, many relationship difficulties arise because people often approach love as something they should passively receive rather than something they actively participate in creating.

In relationships, it’s common to mentally label our partners: “He’s stubborn,” “She’s sensitive,” “He’s careless,” “She’s controlling.” As a couple’s therapist, I often see how these labels, even when meant to explain behaviour, can subtly shape the way we see our partner and the way we relate to them.

In Couples Therapy, one theme we often explore is how power dynamics can shape a relationship. Inspired by Terrence Real’s work, many couples struggle when love is expressed from a position of “above” or “below.” Understanding this, alongside Adlerian concepts of vertical and horizontal relationships, can help couples create more balanced, fulfilling partnerships.

Shared goals can bring couples closer, but only when both partners genuinely want the same things. When one person feels pressured to align with the other’s dreams, connection can turn into quiet resentment. Therapy can help couples navigate this challenge, through exploring the deeper motives behind their goals, encouraging honest emotional communication, and restoring balance and clear boundaries to the relationship.

In close relationships, conflict often escalates not because of what happened, but because of the meaning we attach to it. Observing without evaluating is a practice taught by Marshall Rosenberg, who helps couples describe concrete behaviours without criticism or blame. In couples therapy, this skill reduces defensiveness, increases emotional safety, and opens space for curiosity and connection.

A couples therapist can help couples understand how conflict is often co-created. Arguments rarely stem from one partner alone; instead, predictable patterns emerge when both partners respond to emotional pain with anger, withdrawal, or control. By recognising these cycles and taking responsibility without blame, couples can reshape interactions, improve communication, and build a relationship that is safe, connected, and emotionally balanced.

Adlerian therapist Rudolf Dreikurs taught that marriage isn't a battle for control, but a cooperative effort between equals. Every issue, from chores to finances, is a common task to achieve, and when problems arise, it is not a personal failing. Shifting from blame to asking, "How can we solve this together?" replaces willpower struggles with mutual respect and encouragement. This Adlerian insight transforms conflict into a shared mission for mutual happiness.

Healthy relationships are strengthened when partners see one another as teammates working toward a shared goal rather than opponents trying to win a competition. Through regular positive interactions, trust begins to rebuild. Anxiety decreases. Defensiveness softens. Openness grows. As this occurs, partners often become more willing to invite each other into their inner worlds.

As human beings, we naturally try to simplify the world around us. When situations feel emotionally overwhelming, uncertain, or painful, the mind often responds by placing people, experiences, or even ourselves into one-dimensional categories. Someone becomes entirely good or entirely bad. A relationship becomes either perfect or hopeless. We see ourselves as either capable or a failure.

Long-term relationships ask something difficult of us: they ask us to grow beyond pure self-interest. They challenge us to become more patient, more responsible, more emotionally aware, and more capable of cooperation. This does not happen perfectly, and all couples struggle with selfishness at times. Yet healthy relationships depend on two people being willing to work against the natural human tendency to focus only on themselves.

One of the most common patterns I see as a couples therapist is not a lack of love, commitment, or good intentions. Rather, it is what happens when partners become emotionally activated and lose sight of what they are actually feeling.

As a relationship psychologist, I often work with couples who feel exhausted by recurring conflicts. One partner feels controlled, while the other feels ignored. One feels responsible for keeping the relationship together, while the other feels constantly criticized. Beneath many of these struggles lies a common problem: partners become confused about which responsibilities belong to them and which belong to their partner.

As Esther Perel describes in her book Mating in Captivity, love and desire often pull in opposite directions. Love seeks closeness, while desire needs distance and mystery. In long-term relationships, especially when raising children, partners can become defined by caregiving, routine, and predictability. This maternal or paternal closeness, though nurturing, can slowly dull erotic energy. To rekindle attraction, couples must rediscover individuality and curiosity.

Relationships often become stronger when we balance our desire to help our partner with our ability to accept they are separate entities to us and thus are fully capable and responsible for making their own choices, even when these choices aren’t your preferred ones.

When someone shares an experience, they may not need a solution. They may simply want company.

Healthy relationships require balance.

We can care deeply about others without carrying responsibility for their emotions, choices, or self care. In other words, we focus on connecting with others even when they don’t feel the way we do, make choices that do not match our personal values or preferences, or having difficulties prioritising self care.

Fact tennis, a term described by therapist Philippa Perry, occurs when couples argue by trading facts and corrections instead of addressing emotions. While each partner tries to prove they are right, emotional understanding is lost. Over time, this creates defensiveness, invalidation, and disconnection. Healthier communication involves moving away from proving to relating toward curiosity, validation, empathy, and emotional connection.

As a couples therapist, I fundamentally believe that the health of any relationship, especially a marriage, hinges on effective communication. Yet, what often brings couples into my office is not a lack of love, but a breakdown in the way they express that love and, more importantly, their frustrations.

When a partner’s words land painfully, couples tend to respond in predictable internal ways. Drawing on Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication, it is helpful to explore these four responses: self-blame, blaming the other, sensing our own feelings and needs, and sensing our partner’s inner world. In couples therapy at Koira Psychology on the Gold Coast, recognising these patterns helps reduce reactivity, soften conflict, and support deeper emotional connection.

Conflict happens, but repair is the key to lasting love. As a relationship psychologist, I recommend Jane Hurley's Feedback Wheel to heal disconnection.

The Relationship Wheel guides you through four steps: Observation (the facts), Feelings (your emotion), Needs (what was missed), and a Future request for change.

This structured approach replaces blame with empathy, helping both partners listen and reconnect securely.

In many relationships, communication problems are less about what is being said and more about the psychological position from which it is said. From a transactional analysis perspective, this becomes a powerful lens for understanding and improving marital communication.

One of the most overlooked parts of communication is the ability to effectively listen. Many people listen while preparing a defence, waiting for their turn to speak, or searching for ways to correct the other person. Others listen only for the factual content of what is being said while missing the emotional meaning underneath it.

Healthy relationships require open communication. It is important to express your thoughts, feelings, concerns, needs, and boundaries honestly. Problems are rarely solved by silence, emotional suppression, or pretending everything is fine. However, there is an important difference between expressing yourself and attempting to control, pressure, nag, or emotionally force another person into changing.

Navigating infidelity shatters trust in any marriage, creating profound pain and betrayal. As a couples therapist, I see this rupture as a catalyst for potential growth, not necessarily an ending. Healing requires confronting the breakdown in communication and addressing unmet needs that underpinned the affair. Couples therapy offers a safe space to process emotions, understand the "why," and painstakingly rebuild the relationship through honesty and commitment.

Many couples come to therapy saying some version of the same thing:

“We’re not fighting all the time… but we don’t really feel close anymore.”

They care deeply about each other, they may share children, a home, and a long history — yet something essential feels missing. The warmth, safety, playfulness, or emotional connection that once came naturally now feels distant or hard to reach.

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken.

As a couple’s therapist I often work with couples struggling to accept a partner’s past. The pain is rarely about history alone, but about the loss of an idealised version of love. Couples therapy helps partners move beyond fantasy toward understanding, emotional safety, and a deeper, more resilient connection grounded in acceptance and shared truth.

From a couple’s therapy perspective, drawing on the work of Rudolf Dreikurs, excuses, self-doubt, and jealousy in marriage are not flaws but responses to discouragement. These patterns emerge when partners fear not being enough or losing their sense of importance. When couples learn to recognise the insecurity beneath these behaviours, they can move toward encouragement, emotional equality, and deeper, more secure connection.