Rudolf Dreikurs
Rudolf Dreikurs and the Birth of the Modern Family
As a clinical psychologist, I often meet parents and teachers who feel overwhelmed by the daily power struggles with children, the defiance, the attention-seeking, the shutdowns. Decades before “positive parenting” became a buzzword, Rudolf Dreikurs, a Viennese psychiatrist and student of Alfred Adler, offered a remarkably practical framework for understanding these moments and working through these problems.
Emerging in the mid-twentieth century, a time when families were beginning to move away from strict, authoritarian traditions, Dreikurs envisioned something new: a democratic family, built on mutual respect rather than fear or control. He believed psychological health begins not on the therapist’s couch, but at the kitchen table.
The Social Goal Behind Every Behaviour
Dreikurs built on Adler’s idea that all human behaviour is goal-directed and that our most basic drive is to belong and feel significant. For example, when a child misbehaves, they are not “bad” or “broken”; they are discouraged. Their behaviour is simply an attempt, albeit a mistaken one, to find their place.
Dreikurs identified four “mistaken goals” of misbehaviour, which remain strikingly relevant in clinical and parenting work today:
Undue Attention – “I belong only when I’m being noticed.” Adults often feel irritation or guilt.
Misguided Power – “I belong only when I’m in control.” Adults feel anger or challenge.
Revenge – “I’m hurt, so I’ll hurt you.” Adults feel wounded or resentful.
Assumed Inadequacy – “I can’t belong, so I give up.” Adults feel hopeless or helpless.
When parents and teachers learn to identify these underlying goals, they can respond with empathy instead of punishment. Dreikurs taught that the first task is not to stop a behaviour, but to understand its purpose.
From Punishment to Consequences
Dreikurs championed a radical idea for his time: children learn best through natural and logical consequences, not through punishment or reward.
Natural consequences happen on their own (if a child refuses to wear a coat, they feel cold).
Logical consequences are arranged by the adult, but connected to the misbehaviour and delivered calmly (if toys aren’t put away, they’re put aside for a day).
The key, Dreikurs emphasised, is tone. Consequences should be firm and kind at the same time, never angry, shaming, or moralising. The goal is not to make a child suffer, but to let them experience the realistic results of their choices. This approach shifts responsibility from the adult’s control to the child’s reflection.
In therapy, I often see how powerful this shift can be. When parents replace lectures and punishments with respectful, predictable consequences, children begin to think rather than react. They learn that their choices matter, and that belonging comes through cooperation, not compliance.
Encouragement Over Praise
Dreikurs’s message of encouragement remains one of his most enduring legacies. He once said, “Children need encouragement just as a plant needs water.”
Unlike praise, which often judges (“You’re so smart!”) and fosters dependency on approval, encouragement focuses on effort and growth (“You really kept trying, even when it was tough”). Encouragement builds resilience and self-belief; it teaches children that their worth is inherent, not conditional on success or pleasing others.
This distinction between praise and encouragement is one I discuss frequently in therapy with my clients. Adults, too, thrive when they feel seen for their effort, not just their outcomes.
The Democratic Family
At its heart, Dreikurs’s vision was deeply democratic. He believed that children, like adults, deserve dignity and participation in decisions that affect them. Family meetings, open discussion, and shared problem-solving were his tools for building respect and cooperation.
He saw these practices not just as parenting techniques, but as social reform, a way to raise citizens capable of empathy, equality, and self-responsibility.
Why Dreikurs Still Matters
In modern times, Dreikurs’s ideas feel more relevant than ever. He reminds us that children misbehave not to frustrate us, but because they are discouraged. That real discipline is not control, but guidance. And that every human being, child or adult, is striving for the same thing: to belong and to matter.
As a psychologist, I find Dreikurs’s work deeply hopeful. It bridges the gap between clinical theory and everyday life, showing that family challenges are not failures, but opportunities to teach courage, cooperation, and compassion.
His quiet revolution still echoes in every home that chooses understanding over punishment, a reminder that the healthiest families, like the healthiest societies, are built not on fear, but on respect and connection.