Perfectionism

"Perfectionism has nothing to do with being perfect"

Seth Godin

Working as a psychologist, I have found this quote to be very accurate. What typically drives our ‘perfectionism’ is not 'to be perfect', but to please others, avoid punishment, and be accepted. In childhood, we may learn that getting things right and not making mistakes pleased our parents, teachers, and elders. When we got it right we won their approval, which made us feel more connected and safe. They also might reward us. Stuffing things up and making mistakes often made our parents, teachers, and elders anxious, sad, or angry, and they might punished us for getting things wrong. Children constantly exposed to reward and punishment can grow into adults driven to aim for ‘perfect’.

No one is always a ‘perfectionist’, just like no one is always a ‘loser’, a ‘winner’, or any other label that describes a pattern of behaviour or way of thinking. Perfectionism is a mindset we employ some of the time, typically when we are anxious or experiencing strong emotions about past relationships.

Perfectionism is the story we can adopt as a child to help deal with a difficult relationship. However, as an adult, trying to be perfect is no longer helpful. In fact, it can often be harmful.

If you need a new strategy to free yourself from the burden of perfectionism, therapy may help.